(6)Â I Don’t know where to start with this one.
Sometimes I thank the Lord that we live in enlightened times. There was a time where a woman whose education gave her ideas above her station and who told her family she was going to marry for love might find herself attacked by her father, brother and cousin. Her family would proceed to strangle her, slit her throat and then stab her 18 times while her mother watched and her 3 and 4 year old nieces were sprayed in her blood.
Fortunately that was long in the past, by which I mean April 2005 and far far away, by which I mean a different suburb of the City in which I live.
(7) Vandals
Mrs Denbigh has not been the same since her husband died last year. It was a mercy as he had long been ill but she misses him dreadfully. She spends the long days, whenever she can, in the garden teasing another season out of her shrubs and weeding the flower beds. I sometimes wonder how someone so frail can be so indefatigable. Perhaps her days are boring. Come to think of it she could probably do with livening up. That’s why I’m sure she was delighted when you lot came and painted “FRUGZÂ – DA CREW” on her garden wall … again. And how thoughtful of you to kick her garden gate down too. That’ll give her something to do; something to occupy the dead hours of the day. I’m sure that’s why I saw her weeping with gratitude.
(8) Bread and Butter Pudding
“You’re not leaving the table till you eat that, Sunshine.” Fine – so all I have to do is sit her and not eat and I get weeks off school.
(9) People who confuse tactlessness for honesty
“Everyone thinks she’s a boring cow. They won’t say anything so I told her straight out in front of everyone; she’s a boring cow and we don’t want her having lunch with us. That’s just me. I’m honest. I don’t care what people think.”
You are not honest – you’re a bully. Furthermore, you do care what people think. Like most people whose own opinion of themselves is so high you cannot bear to be contradicted. When did people start expecting to be admired for humiliating people?
(10) Having people moving behind me as I eat
My Dad was a bit “handy” and it has left me nervous about things happening behind me. There’s a variation where P comes up behind me as I am working (I have my desk facing out of a window and my back to the door. I know she’s there and I find myself getting tense. She’ll lean over, say hello and kiss me and I will be sat with my sinews creaking and hands tightly clenched.
 **EDIT**
 (11) Things that go beep
Some time ago product designers decided that no product was really complete unless it beeped. They chose a pitch which, depsite years of walkman abuse, I can hear from three floors away. I will be sat cheerfully typing out my important inner musings for the benefit of my loyal readership (ahem) when the microwave, a sports watch, the toaster, the answering machine, a badly set up alarm clock, the telephone’s battery indicator or the cat will start beep beep beep sodding beeping. P’s hearing is the opposite of mine. She simply can’t hear this noise. I will thump down to the kitchen to find her in the midst of a cacophonous cloud of beeping absent-mindedly turning the page of “What Husband” magazine and humming to herself. How can she bear it?
(12) Men who bully their kids, shag the golf club barmaid, run off and try to arrange their finacial affairs so as to leave their family scraping food from dustbins
Hi Dad
The barmaid was called, entertainingly, Mrs Bang.
(13) Eamonn Holmes
(14)Â People who walk out on arguments
There is an all too frequent failure on behalf of my family, friends and acquaintances instantly to appreciate that I am ALWAYS RIGHT. However, out of a charitable instinct to correct them I am prepared to keep arguing about matters until I die, they die, the Sun dies or they accept I’m correct, whichever comes first. Some of them have demonstrated a lamentable tendency to walk away after 5 or 6 hours muttering “whatever”. That drives me completely batshit crazy. I have lost countless friends in the fits of anger that follow – usually because they vaporize. This is why I stay away from matters political on this blog. If I didn’t someone might point out a logical flaw or a questionable assumption and then one flame apocalypse later I would be back to talking to myself again.
**ANOTHER EDIT**
(15) People who ignore queuing etiquette
I cannot put it better than the Banana did
(16) Pre-teen Fashion Advertising
Whilst we were away, a friend came to stay with us bringing her two kids and her lunatic dog. The elder kid was an 8 year old girl. She arrived carrying a comic produced for pre-teen girls with a cover exclaiming “Give your Bezza a new look with our friends’ makeover”. It promised make-up and hair tips and had pages of pin-ups of “Hunks!!!!”.
I know I’m old fashioned but in my day 8 year old girls simply spent all day every day trying to nag their parents into buying them a pony. Now they want to be super-models and many companies spend their time selling them products and trying to get them to be concerned about how they look.
When the little girl’s mother handed her some parachute pants she complained “Mum! No! These make me look fat!”. I nearly cried.
(17) Poor Manipulators
I don’t mind being skilfully manipulated – principally because when it’s done properly I don’t really notice. What getteth ye goate for me is those people who are convinced they have a dazzling charm and who turn it on at the drop of the hat and for no useful purpose. This happened to me recently in a sushi bar. A woman wanted me to pass her the soy sauce. All she had to do was ask but she appeared to feel I needed to be seduced into it
“Dahling could you pass me the soy sauce. That would be so sweet of you.”
“Of course, here you go”
“That would be wonderful. Thank you so much [bats eylashes]. Silly me I just can’t manage without it. You are so kind”
“Look I have already given it to you could you just back off now as this is embarrassing for everyone and the chef has knives”.
I get the same from some clients. They want a bit of free advice and they jump through hoops to try and slip it into the conversation. They then feel so clever but had they just asked outright we would both have been spared the squirming embarassment.
(18) Racists and Sexists
(19) Receiving Praise
I cannot really explain this one. Whenever I get thanked for speaking at a conference, or praised in court or my mother likes a drawing, or P has been blown away by how great a lover I am (actually not so much the last one), I go rigid with embarassment. I simply cannot abide it. When I was in school plays I would enjoy the acting but decline the curtain call.
(20) Myself
Don’t get me started on this one.
I’ve just spoken to my granny who lives in a quiet village in Surrey, who has been quite upset as some lovely children decided to do some weeding in her front gaden. Unfortunately, the little scamps weren’t sure what was a weed and what was a plant so removed all of her roses and her sweet peas, and replanted them on the pavement and in the road. I suppose they were trying to decorate the public area. Bless.
well 6 & 9 really piss me off … 7 is another one that would send me over the edge too … i think the little bastards in #7 should be out in the garden without protective head coverings and made to slave away untill they have a case of heat stroke.
#6: WTF? Really? That is horrible. Absolutely horrible. That makes me want to cry, vomit and kill the sunovabitches all at the same time.
Becs – sympathy to your Gran.
Kim – or made to build a railway through Burma
MotR – it’s astonishing isn’t it.
#14 – yes, yes! I agree with you, Moobs, for you are always right!
You’ve got some really good ones in your list so far, Moobsie. I loved the one where the father ignored his son – that drives me crazy as well. When I was shopping this past weekend, a mother with three children was ignoring the oldest daughter who was about 4 yrs. old (?) and crying, “I want to go to the maaaalllll! I want to go to the MAAAALLLLLL!” loudly enough to be heard across the store. I just to shake the mother and say “Please explain to her that you can’t go to the mall – just make something up!” and then I wanted shake the child until she stopped screaming. (I wouldn’t really do that, but misbehaving children drive me batty.)
Oh no Moobsy – you appear to have put me on your list. If you look up “people who walk out on arguments” in the dictionary, you find a picture of me. I will go to quite extraordinary lengths to avoid confrontation and if I ever find myself in an argument I walk, nay, RUN far far away. Mid-sentence. And then avoid the person for ever and ever and ever in case they ever bring it up again.
Excellent list. Looking forward to the final 6.
PS – Do you watch Big Brother? Richard *is* number 9. “Lea, I’m going to be honest with you; you’re crass and trashy and the public will slice you up with machetes you before Davina can interview you. But that’s okay! I’m your friend – I’ll help you through this – you don’t have to change just because you’re so vile and unpleasant”
With regards to Eamonn Holmes – Testify brother Moobs! Testify.
oooh, I love a good arguement but, you see I’M ALWAYS RIGHT- so you just can’t be.
I agree with ALL of them moobs, and also that I never leave an argument, EVER. Nagnagnag and I will carry it on till it’s done, no matter what, and then move on, walking away mid row would leave us both more insane than we already are ;o)
Still not finished with this? Quit shagging and get to typing.
Banana– oh I know! I’m afraid I’v nicked one of your entries to add to mine hope you don’t mind the linky-love.
Norah – I’ve no problem with people who don;t get into arguments, just those who start them and then won’t finish them. I had BB in mind in writing that entry. The other BB behaviour I love is the mind-benfing hypocrisy of sneaking away with someone to complain that someone else is always “bitching behind my back”. “I tell people to their face” they say proving themselves liars as they speak.
Jef – Amen Brother Jef (and don’t forget to put something in the collection plate)
Minks – I’ve always felt like I’m half of a set of twins.
Diva – You are right. But aren’t you always!
Wenchy – There – now you’ve had your wicked way. I must go cleanse my aura. Oh bollocks, I forgot I hate people who talk about “auras” and “energy” and I hate teh Daily Mail and …
No. 17 – GRAAAAGH! Also linked to this are people who ask for something, you say yes, then they spend the next 10 mins asking if that’s really all right. Yes, of course it fucking is – I just said so, didn’t I? Now back off before I change my mind.
Mind the linky love? Absolutely not! I thank you for your recommendation, kind sir!
So I know this is a list about hates, but I have to say: I LOVE IT when you Brits say “queuing!” I say “people in line” and my boyfriend says “on line” which makes me think of “online” as in the internet. But anyway, keep the fun British terms coming! Hee hee…
#17 – I agree (again) with you and with Katja… and would just like to drop in how useful your advice was about my employment issue… Thank you again!
AMEN on numbers 9 and 11 and 14 and SIXTEEEEN!!! oh hell, Moobs, I might as well say it… It’s creepy how much I hate what you hate. I would say that it’s such an awesome hate list I wanna just copy it and pass it out to friends, but that would be a form of praise, and I especially empathize with #19, the praise-receiving eebie-jeebies.
Blimmin’ brilliant list.
I am particularly taken with #17 in view of the charlatans in my current (but not for long – hurrah!) job – esp the now-gone Not-So-Nice-Irish-Bloke and Media-Lady – who are so transparent, it’s laughable.
‘completely batshit crazy’ – never heard that one before.
Banana is right – I find that in Starbucks especially
I was thinking of 15 myself. 16 is just plain wrong.
*blows a kiss at Moobs*
NO 16 fer sure dude. When I take my FIVE year old daughter shopping I cant get over some of the crap they have out there. My goodness, I dont want to see a five year old’s middrift. Next thing you know the kindergarten set will want piercings too…..uuugggghhhhh
holy crap Moobs…I don’t even know where to begin. So, well done. Really great post.
Sorry… I was creeping up behind you to read the part you edited out. I mean really, a middle child deserves to know! That really doesn’t mean that you need to punch me in the nose. Where shall I send the Plastic Surgeon bill?
I AM 14. I challenge you to a staying-put duel, next time you are in Vancouver and we disagree about something.
I would like to do one of these lists, but can’t because 1) I have far too many things I hate to just do a list or two, and instead have had to make a whole blog category for it; and 2) lately, I think that even if I did try to make a list, we live in the city centre and so I would never be able to make it past “1. C*nts who ride motorcycles WHO REV THE DAMN THINGS ENDLESSLY LATE AT NIGHT AND DON’T HAVE MUFFLERS ARRGH KILL TORTURE DEATH PAIN ARRRGH etc”
You’ve not put an explanation under #18. What is it you have against racists and sexists? I hope you’re not being racistist or sexistist: some of my best friends are racist and sexist.
The being praised one _ I am with you completely can’t bear it, compliments of any sort give me hives added to which i don’t beleive them. Do you think this is part of the entrance test for law school?
Claudia – sorry, it’s because of my Kung Fu reactions honed to the nanosecond.
Kate – That’s why God invented the Bazooka
Menace – I am indeed racistist, I make jokes about them with my mates when we go drinking and then i roam the streets looking for sexistists and batter them with copies of the New Statesman or Prospect.
LL – it’s a good job most clients are ungrateful bastards then 🙂