I’ve been Wenched. I’m going to do this in instalments.
(1) People who think God wants them to kill People
No he doesn’t, whatever the voices in your head; the scary man with the beard and the turban or my mum would have you believe. If God wanted us dead ahead of schedule and in large numbers he has much more entertaining ways of doing it. Crushed by frogs raining from the sky? That’ll be God. A child bleeding out from severed arteries because you’ve got a hard on for martyrdom and bombed a marketplace. That’s down to you you c**t.
(2) Selective Paternal Deafness
Toddler on train: Dad look it a train … [Dad stares blankly into the air] … DAD look it a train … [silence] … DAD! DAD! LOOK! It a TRAIN!! …. [tumbleweed] … DADDADDADDADDAD LOOK IT A TRAAAAIIIIINNNNNN … [Parental obliviousness. Old lady in next seat drops coffee in her lap] DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDD … [Windows crack and blow out. Dad checks his wallet for no obvious reason avoiding toddler’s gaze] …. TRRAAAIIIINNN!!!!! DAD!! DAAAAADDD!TRRAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNN LOOOOK LOOOOOK …. [Child’s eyes bulge from head. Newspapers burst into flame. Eardrums burst like microwave popcorn the length of the carriage. Father hums a tune]
Moobs: For Fuck’s sake look at you son right now and say “yes, how lovely” before I grind your testes between two rocks.
(3) Tobacco Company Executives
Nicotine is not addictive
Smoking does not cause cancer
We are not making money out of creating addicts and causing them to die
Oh and Moobs is not presently unravelling my entrails on a stick
(4) People who insult P
I drifted over to my wife at a party only to hear one of her friends say: “Sometimes P I wish my [legal] practice was more like yours: going down to some local court to do a mindless dispute. I get so tired of the high-pwered corporate litigation I do”. I decided to join in the conversation and 3 minutes later P’s friend was sobbing and felt a sudden overwhelming need to leave the party. Job done. Or not apparently as I then got a towering bollocking from P. It never ceases to amaze me what women will put up with from “friends”.
(5) Reggae Music
Reggae music? Morrissey is that you?
Just as I was starting to enjoy it you bail out at 5? I was lead to believe there would be 20…
What’s wrong with reggae. When you have to deal with all these hateful things I can’t think of anything better to cheer me up than a bit of King Tubby.
Gamba – I would love to like Reggae. All my friends adore it. For me it is like chewing tinfoil. I simply can’t bear it. On the other hand I love ska. As I understand it the prinipal difference between ska and reggae is the speed of the downbeat on the third beat of common time. It seems to be something hardwired in for me. Emphasise that particular beat in tat particular way and I start booting the CD player into the air.
Whenever I get on a train and have a choice abaot where I sit it is always the furthest away from any kids I can get without sitting on the roof (although if that was an option I would do that instead)
Brother Moobs,
Excellent start. Keep going.
Side note – I once made a ‘manly man’ cry in group therapy. I was 19. I have skill.
Sincerely,
The Wench
Moobs…
Your a good man…
Can relate to hating 1 to four…. but hating number 5????
You hate Raggae music enough to put it out there in bloggerland…
Wow…
Now that’s a strong statement…
Certain reggae styles e.g. dancehall are quite hard to get into but I still don’t get how you can like ska but not reggae. I just don’t. Couldn’t you get into dub? It’s my favourite, especially in the summertime.
…before I grind your testes between two rocks…
oh, please don’t do that. that sounds *awfully* painful.
Re: no 4, we dont (sorry about the lack of apostrophe, but my computer is currently seeing me typing an apostrophe as a strange keyboard shortcut and not allowing me to use them. Grr. Anyway – on with the sentence) exactly put up with these things from our friends – we just dont say anything about it to their faces. Bitching behind their backs is far more the done thing.
I’m so WITH you on #2… only it’s always the mothers around me who have selective hearing, and therefore generally lack the testes that need to be grinded… although I suppose it’s a moot point since I’m never creative (or brave) enough to come up with anything more than an irritated sigh anyway. *sigh*
I love your list. And I love even more that #5 has no explanation. I am so with you.
I love the train one…..I HATE that too. Just say…like 2 words, and it will appeast them…sheesh.
Goodness, Moobs, what have poor innocent tobacco executives ever done to you? Huh??
On a related note, we watched Thank You For Smoking the other night, and very enjoyable it was.
Excellent. And since it is now summer, be on the look out for the selective parental deafness virus. It is particularly rampant at public pools and playgrounds with monkey bars.
To be fair to tobacco company executives, unless they also own an undertakers or florists etc. they don’t make anything from their customers dying – quite the opposite in fact. For them, the dying bit is an unfortunate side effect of the product, not nearly as unfortunate as it is for the dead consumer, but you get my point.
I think God killing everyone ahead of schedule is called “plague” such as the Spanish Flu, Bubonic, etc.
And what’s wrong with chewing tinfoil?
Rick, I see the immediate force of your point except the companies tried to pressure companies manufacturing drugs aimed at helping people to quit into restricting their marketing (http://www.smoking-cessation.org/content/tobacco-drugcom.asp). It would seem that whilst, no doubt, the companies would rather smokers lived for ever, given that is not possible they would sooner they died than gave up.
Well of course, they don’t make money from alive non-smokers just as they don’t from dead smokers.
Jess – Unfortunately I’m not allowed near pools as a result of an unfortunate incident involving a selectively deaf parent and a pair of rocks.
Claudia – Except, being God and all, I suppose he gets to decide the schedule.
I was actually on the train with that very child and that very father.
Suebob- did you punch his ticket for him?
Number 9.
Yes.
And it’s especially bad on the Internet when people use their anonyminity to really be boors.
hello,
i am a student from the university of bamberg. As Iheard you’ve been already in contact with some friends of mine. At the moment we are working on a scientific research about the user of weblogs an their habits in general (how they use their weblogs and why they are interested in weblogs).
The interesting thing for me is that you are in the agegroup from 40-49 and this is exactly the group of peaple I examin at the moment.
I would be very pleased if you could answer me some questions (they’ve got all something to do with the topic of weblogs).
If you would like to help me, just send me an e-mail.
Thank you
Jan