I had a call from my clerk a while ago. “I see you’re running in the NY Marathon”.
“I am?”
“Your wife has booked the time free in your diary. Apparently you told her you would do it.”
“I raised it in the bloody abstract”.
It is one of P’s missions in life to keep an eye on my doughy middle-aged form and to intervene in the entirely subtle and diplomatic manner so favoured by George W Bush. I stumbled into the house with a vague intention of going for a run when a magazine left casually on the coffee table caught my eye:
I racked my brain. Had I bought it? It’s not my kind of thing but I do sometimes feel that senility may be quietly nibbling at the corner of my mental carpet. Then it dawned on me: P had bought it. So which of the many banner headlines was aimed at me?
It’s possible she just thought I would be interested in the Mourinho article. Or was she anxious I should “smell sexy” or, more disturbingly, “master the quickie”. “More sex less begging” rang a bell – wasn’t that one of my New Year’s Resolutions? But did she really think that I was going to develop rock hard abs?
As I leafed through page after page of gel haired 20 year olds with polished pecs and shaven nipples misery fell upon me.  I longed to be outside a pub with my fellow balding weebles; our centres of gravity merely inches above our shoelaces. Why can’t someone publish “Indolent Fat Fuck’s Monthly”? I’d subscribe. P came through the door and I challenged her. “Oh it had been bought for the jury at Portsmouth Crown Court and the usher was throwing it out.”
“Yes but what are you trying to tell me woman?”
“That Jason Statham is gorgeous … can I have it back now please”?
Lose weight with pizza? – Please explain more.
Yes, I keep waiting for the articles such as ‘Eat your problems away’ and ‘Nicole – how eating chips made me the woman I am today.;
Jef, I’ll check when I get home but I suspect it’s one of the following:
(1) Tying a slice of pizza onto a stick so that it dangles enticingly in front of you as you run;
(2) Working 24 hour shifts in a Pizza bakery; or
(3) Pizza doesn’t have to be unhealthy, try this: Toast some wholemeal bread and spread it with tomato puree. Now top with Tofu and/or water according to taste etc
H – can you get chips in Switz? Do they commit the Mayonnaise error?
What about ‘Work Less Earn More’?
And what’s wrong with chips and mayonnaise?
I was going to make a witty and apposite comment – but I got distracted by Jason Statham. Sorry, what was that you were saying about pizza?
By “Drink Yourself Healthy” do they mean with alcohol? Because that sounds like something I would sign up for.
“The Killer in your Dustbin” — excuse me? There are men out there with “dustbins?” Not MY boyfriend, that’s for damn sure.
Jef: The message is: if you go to Pizza Hut have the Italian Vegetable Pizza and not the Pepperoni feast (bah)
Gamba: Work less and earn more: “Only do things that actually make you money – you can afford to delegate the rest” apparently (grrr)
And are you winding me up about the chips and Hellmans sacrilege?
LB – as to the killer in the dustbin, I have that crime solved:
Worra load. I’d rather try the pizza on a stick trick.
I have Hellmans with everything. It is MANNA.
Mayonnaise error? Shame on you moobs. For shame.
Ahem.