He’s back – the man who rids Advice of its vice.
Dearest Brother Moobs,
Returning from the field I lay with my wife. I discovered that she was gripped by the uncleaness of her monthly period. What should I do?
Dear Brother,
First your sexual relations were UNLAWFUL (Lev 18 v. 19). Indeed, t’was unlawful even to approach your wyf to couple. You are now unclean and shall remain so for 7 days (Lev 15 v. 24). Do not touch your children and try to eat with your feet.
Dearest Brother Moobs
I came home last night and found my dad had eaten the Spicy Tomato Pot Noodle I had been looking forward to all blasted week. I told him he was an addle-pated oaf. What punishment awaits him?
Oh vile serpent,
You have cursed your father and must die (Lev 20 v. 9).
Dearest Brother Moobs
My Son has grown a moustache and wears leather chaps for no apparent reason. He spends his Saturday evenings in somewhere called “Heaven” (which is a comfort) with his male friends. However, his room is suspiciously tidy. I am very worried.
Dear Sister
Young men of your son’s age are just coming to terms with their identities. He will awash be with hormones. You will need to be sensitive. Try to encourage the interest in horse riding that his chaps clearly indicate. If his companions make such an effort to get him into Heaven you have nothing to fear. You are lucky he has found such upstanding young men to spend his time with.
Do you have a problem for Brother Moobs?
‘upstanding young men’. Arf.
going slightly off topic, but I remember watching a documentary about a particularly orthodox jewish sect who insisted that women should be ritually cleansed after their monthly period before they could be deemed to be clean enough for the men of the house to be touching them or eating anything that they’d cooked. They then segued from this bit of information to something that they felt demonstrated how in tune they were to recognising female emancipation.
Nancy Banks-Smith, who at the time was the TV critic for the Grauniad said that she frightened her family because she actually choked with laughter at that point and then fell off the sofa. I knew how she felt.
Anyway, please don’t tell Brother Moobs what I’ve been saying b ecause he may be wanting to pray for me.
Brother Moobs rocks.
I am thinking of all sorts of inappropriate questions to ask him during his next appearance.
(Thanks for visiting. And I would be most honored by any linkage.)
You mean Leviticus Chapter 15 v.s 19 to 23:
19 ” ‘When a woman has her regular flow of blood, the impurity of her monthly period will last seven days, and anyone who touches her will be unclean till evening.
20 ” ‘Anything she lies on during her period will be unclean, and anything she sits on will be unclean. 21 Whoever touches her bed must wash his clothes and bathe with water, and he will be unclean till evening. 22 Whoever touches anything she sits on must wash his clothes and bathe with water, and he will be unclean till evening. 23 Whether it is the bed or anything she was sitting on, when anyone touches it, he will be unclean till evening.
All you have to do is remain standing for 7 days.
Or, on the other hand, you avoid the ritual cleansing and never have to cook for the lazy barst ever again.
Men had their own burdens to bear. If a brother had died leaving his wife childless it was your bounden duty to rush round and sleep with her.