Where I feel happiest
There are a number of candidates but having forced myself to decide the answer was, until 15 years ago: in bed, at night with a storm rattling the windows. For the last 15 years it’s been much the same but now I am lying spooning with P, one arm draped over her listening to her sleeping breaths as the storm rages.
Things I avoid
(1) Argument By this I mean debate whether it be political, philosophical or ethical. The problem is that I enjoy it way too much. Once we have begun to argue, I simply will not stop until you have accepted my position and renounced the feeble nonsense that you call your own. I am not one for relativism of principle and my overweening sense of self-righteousness is matched with a diabolical relentlessness. Long past 3 am, well past the point you have lost the will to live, I am pursuing you out of the door as you search for a cab, a horse, a bicycle, anything just to get you away. It is not enough to surrender, oh no, I must believe that you believe. I will not be placated. Keep me away from that stuff and we’ll get away fine.
(2) Competitive Games Never break out the Trivial Pursuit when I am in the room. Do not weedle at me until I relent and play Pictionary. When you see me sweating and refusing to play that is the sweat of an alcoholic, 12 years off the bottle, faced with a bottle of cask strength Talisker. It is not that I need to win (though I notice that when I do things run more smoothly for all concerned) it is just that I develop a sense of fairness and propriety that classifies almost any gentle warping of the rules (which I have read and memorised in preparation) as a sin reaching past fratricide in terms of infamy. Indeed fratricide is always a risk when we play games as a family. May the Lord forbid that anyone should have any fun.
(3) Nostalgia There are songs – songs I once loved – that I simply cannot bear to listen to now. They make my heart ache. I feel a welling emptiness into which I gently implode. I become drowsy and confused as if dosed with morphine syrup. C S Lewis thought that powerful longing, induced by music or some other beauty, was the soul longing for God. It overwhelms me so utterly that I have to stay focused on the gravelly future instead; eyes narrowed and walking forward like Lot.
Jobs I wish I done
(1) Cartoonist I was cartoonist for my University newspaper. Not a particularly good one but good enough and reliable when it came to deadlines. As it became more obvious I was heading towards the Law and still more obvious that the I would never be even a scintilla as good as any of those handful of cartoonists that appeared to make a living at it, I put the pens aside. When webcomics took off, I had another look at the situation. I was encouraged to find that most webcomics were appalling bad. Unfunny in a million different ways (900,000 of them being demonstrated by strips like PvP); either drawn left-handed by right-handed artists or else by people whose artistic talent would not stretch to finger-painting on a good day. Some truly abominable piles of shite seemed to have a baying audience of near-obsessive fans. That’s what I wanted, an army of unthinking moobsophiles ready to buy T-Shirts and to pay for me to fly to Hawaii to be snide to them at conventions. Then I came across Beaver and Steve and snapped the digital artpad in two. James’s strips are amongst the best I have read in any format at any time. I hope he appreciates how good he really is. He is not alone. For a taste of the best have a look at Beardy Rick’s blogroll.
(2) Astronomer I did an Open University course in Astronomy and Planetary Science and haven’t felt so excited by every word I read since R and I found his father’s frankly astonishing collection of pornography when we were 10 (“What is that thing?!!”). However, ultimately I fail to meet the two minimum requirements for the job. First, every time I try to grow a beard it largely congregates under my chin making me look as if I am wearning a ruff woven from red and black pubic hair. Secondly, I am way too stupid at maths (bah).
So… any chance you can post some of YOUR cartoons?
AM I NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE A RESPONSE ANYMORE??? WHAT THE FUCK KEEPS HAPPENING TO MY COMMENTS???
DAMN IT!!
LET’S TRY YELLING AGAIN!!! THIS IS THE 5TH FUCKING TIME I’M TRYING TO LEAVE THIS DAMN THING!!!!
AAAHHHHHH!!!!!!
Great post. Made me laugh and made me wistful. Oh – and any man who appreciates a noggin of Talisker has my vote.
I never knew my blogroll was held in such high regard! You need to do some ‘Badger and Dave’ strips.
Beautiful post. I love the CS Lewis quote.
Astronomy – my dad’s been going to Gresham College’s free lectures about it and says they are fantastic. You’re probably doing something silly like “working” when they’re on, mind.
WHAT? A cartoonist? That’s it, I think I speak for most of your readers when I say that we want to see a moobzie cartoon!!! Right guys n gals??
So you’re a Jehovah Witness or used car saleman now? *See THINGS I AVOID #1*
It’s interesting to me that the things you avoid are things you love to do. I wonder what that means. I tend to avoid things like – oh let’s say – my mother in law who hates me.
I wanted to make Mead until I met people who make mead. I think they are all astronomers.
Being artistically challeged (I think it’s an ADA definition), I’d love to see your cartoons…..
I’m with you on the songs. Why is it that as one gets older, the past becomes so much more seductive and the future much less golden?
i think the kind of beard you describe is entirely that of an astronomer. as to the maths … well, yes, perhaps it is important to work out whether a meteor is going to collide with earth or not. ah well! the universe’s loss is the law’s gain.
WHY IS KEVIN YELLING AGAIN? IS HE NAKED?
I’m told my favorite past-time is arguing (even better if it occurs WHILE playing a competitive board game of some sort) … So should you ever need to fall off the wagon, I’m here for you.
-Rachael
Oh my god. I never realized it before, but you and I are the exact same person. We would have to apply for mutual restraining orders following any debate, as I too refuse to leave a dissenter alone until he/she proves that he/she has actually adopted my viewpoint. And my proclivity for treating Trivial Pursuit (and Scattergories, and Scene This, and Taboo, and any board game) like a hypertense board meeting to make critical steering decisions is exactly akin to yours. I especially related to the part about forcing all parties to adhere to every last rule written on the box. I yell loudly and pull out the self-righteous indignation at every board game session I attend.
Hmmm…you seem to be my brother, but with a sense of humor! I suggest you give astrology a whirl as it involves far less math and you get to make snarky observations about other people.
I’m with you on the Astronomer thing. Horrible at math but I adored my astronomy class in college. I’ve got a big telescope at home that I pull out once or twice a year.
And I’ve always been a city boy so I’ll never forget the time I was out in the Las Vegas desert and saw the Milky Way for the very first time.
Kevin is yelling because he is naked and is afraid he will be caught in his upstairs loft atwork….
And he is right…. this site keeps gobbling up our ‘ witty’ comments and spewing them into cyberhell!!!!
Don’t even get me started with Kevin Charnas’ site as it has been doing it for weeks… and I am fully clothed!!!!
I get hives even thinking about playing something competitive. Especially air hockey.
I too would like to see a sample of your cartoons.
I do believe we HAVE seen a sample of your cartoons here before. Am I right, Brother Moobs?
And number one and two are just hilarious as all hell. Maybe because they reminds me so much of myself.
CAn we get all the people here who can relate (regretfully) with points one and two in “thing I avoid” together at my place next saturday. It will be Cranium smackdown cage match. Winner takes all. And that will be me, of course.
When we play games at my house, my friends draw straws to see who will have to be my parter (and thus suffer the beratements when they inevitably fail my standards). Eventually, though, they realise that it is just as miserable to be on the other team, espcially if I am winning. Losers.
I love competitive games – I get all crazy and use mind power and stuff to control people. I usually try to avoid them.
Moobs – I am the opposite to you when it comes to arguing!!!
I am crap at proper arguments because I can almost always see both sides….. And I hate conflict.
I know what you mean about the songs, though. Simply Red ‘If you don’t know me by now’ …….. still has the potential to make me cry if I listen to the words too carefully. It could have been written by me in late 2002, when my bastard husband accused me of cheating on him (when all the while he was busy screwing one of my most trusted friends……). Have to concentrate hard when it comes on the radio still.
Moobs, everytime I read your posts, I want to drink with you. Lovely stuff, simply lovely stuff.
While this is a dark part of the year, please don’t go away entirely. Even a sketch without comment would be so very lovely.
Hey I’d love to see your cartoons. Maybe you can do a caricature of yourself?
Does it make me creepy that I want to be a mortician? Thanks for the beard description…I hope I can sleep tonight.
I’m still waiting for those Moobsophile T-shirts to start into production.
And I miss you. Sure Vox is cool and musically enhanced and all, but I can’t leave comments there.
What Julie Q said.
I miss you too. Come back!