You may have noticed that I tend not to write about work (but then nor do most of you so stop pointing the finger). However, I would like to share a moment from court today.
I was against a litigant in person. He is a likeable (and skillful) former employee of a Bangladeshi Bank. As a leathery-winged agent of evil, I was representing the bank. We were in the High Court and my opponent commenced his submissions by saying:
“You will see that I am not a lawyer and I ask for your compassion”.
That was a pretty startling opening sentence as very few people have ever suggested that they deserve sympathy for not being a lawyer. However, it got odder still. His next sentence began:
“My Lord* I would like to tell you how we see you …”
At this, his lordship shifted uneasily in his seat. Normally one does not get to tell judges how one feels about them. In fact there is a specific offence – contempt of court – which is designed to ensure you do your best to remain obsequious and to deter your from expressing frankly your feelings about judges. Personally, I yield to no advocate in my willingness to kiss judicial rear. If it will cause the judge to look fondly on my client’s case I am prepared to test the suction-resistance of his lordly posterior to destruction. However, I have never gone quite as far as my opponent went today:
” … we see you as the living embodiment of the Lord God Almighty. Justice is in your hands and we hope his divine compassion will flow through you.”
The judge paused before responding:
“I’ll do my best”
* All High Court Judges get a knighthood but are then referred to, confusingly, as “my Lord” even though they are not peers. This all leads to a story told about F E Smith (a famous advocate) which it is just about possible one or two of you may not have heard. Smith, cross-examining a witness, asks:
“So, the Defendant was as drunk as a judge”
The outraged judge intervenes:
“You are in error, Mr Smith, it is ‘as sober as a judge’, what you mean to say is ‘as drunk as a Lord'”
Smith: “If you say so my Lord”.
It will disturb you to learn that barristers think that is hilarious.
Such highbrow humor made me giggle on a Friday. Thanks, Moobs. Have a fabulous weekend!
LMAO – I was gonna say…..he called him “my lord”???? Talk about ass kissing!!! Then realized….oh right…..
…and not just barristers! Ha ha!
Brilliant. Also – is being in court a bit like being an actor? I imagine it is, a bit, but perhaps I’m being naive/stupid/off on a pointless tangent.
I hate being American. We have no cool titles. I want to be a Lord. Is there an application I can download?
I thought it was hilarious! I also like that you actually stood in the same room, no less, with a living embodiment of the Lord God Almighty. Wow!
Did you ask for anything for yourself? Did you say, “Thank you for all my blessings”? Or did you have the overwhelming desire to run him over with your car? All are probably appropriate.
This rocks. I laughed out loud, for several seconds, at the “I’ll do my best” line. What makes that so hilarious is that the judge was actually faced with offering a response, and he gave one that suggested that the statement he was responding to was totally normal. Love it.
English legal humour is so… sly.
But what I want to know is – did he win?
And if he didn’t that’s got to affect how the bloke sees God in the long-run, since he’s been actually spoken to by the living embodiment of the Lord God Almighty…
Priceless!
I suppose, in a way, God is a judge. I thought he’d delegated that kind of stuff to St Peter, though. Ah well.
Daily conversation with my mother:
“I noticed you wrote about something that an anonymous woman at work said on your blog.”
“Yes… you mean the one that bore no relation to my working life at all, being purely coincidental that I know her through work?”
“You know a woman was recently SACKED for bitching about her work colleagues on her blog. It was IN THE PAPER.”
“I don’t think I’ll get the sack for my blog.”
“She did! Someone she knew found her blog and SHE WAS SACKED.”
Be warned, Moobs, be warned.
Zoe – I’m self-employed and specialise in employment law so I am reasonably relaxed.