I am back from Dublin having completed the marathon. My time of 4:39:56 is only 9 minutes and 56 seconds outside the qualifying time* for the Boston Marathon so you can imagine how pleased I am.
I thought about writing a step by step account for you (10 miles: feeling good;Â ate salt-encusted Jelly Baby etc etc) but that bores even me. Instead, what I propose is that you recreate in the comfort of your own home the last few moments of the race. There are two options: the Gold and the Silver.
The Gold experience most closely matches the real thing. For this you should begin by dipping yourself in a bath of briny water and then let yourself drip half dry. Now abrade your nipples with some sandpaper and give the front of your shins a few sharp raps with a balpeen hammer. Finally rub the soles of your feet with an emery board for 3 and a half minutes or more if you are not a panty-waisted white collar worker like me.
If you elected to take the Silver package, congratulations, you may now join us.
Grab your Ipod and select (or download if you do not have it already)Â Sigur Ros’ song “Hoppipolla” from their towering album of Icelandic soft-rock “Takk”. Now begin to lumber to towards the street at a slow pace.
Find a safe part of the street or sidewalk on which to run and put on your headphones. As you trundle forward and the song starts you should try to allow yourself to be overcome with emotion. Gurn. Allow a tear to start to your eye. Grit your teeth with feigned determination.
2 minutes and 25 seconds into the song it will reach a crescendo and the lush bowings of the string section will swell. Now is the time to decide that you are going to manage a sprint finish. Shout “come on!!” in order to assist you reach “Beserker Mode”. As you run, pump your arms wildly and throw your knees forward with each stride. Keep accelerating until you reach 3.5 miles an hour. Count to 25 and then shout “YES!!! Get in!” as you cross the “line”. Throw your hat at the ground. That is when you should realise that the “line” is in fact the first of two time check points. Pick up your hat and trot another metre.
Have one of your friends or family members come up to you pretending to be a race official. They should look at you anxiously and ask whether, in the light of your bizarre behaviour, you are feeling ok. Nod – your race is done. Congratulations.
If you enjoyed reliving my marathon experience let me know (in fact send me pictures). I will put you in contact with like-minded people in your neighbourhood and you can form a Moobs Re-enactment Society. I will provide factsheets, a poster, and some inspirational tapes to help get you started.
*If I was 70 years old
Hmmmmm….marathons…
Ya…ummm…gonna be honest with you…
The day I run a maration is the day I cut off my ball sack, hollow it out, and make it into a nice little coin purse.
The only reson to run is if you are being chased. 😉
Steve~
Congratulations! I hope your nipples heal quickly! (heh.)
Steve I run marathons when the lovely P tells me I have grown so porky that she looks on my burgeoning man bosom with distaste. The risk is not being chased but being (compulsorily) chaste.
Also she hates bad puns.
Congratulations on finishing the marathon! That is no small feat – even if you wouldn’t have even qualified if you were 70 🙂 I wouldn’t have even made it a mile so I think you’re awesome!
Oh and LMAO at Steve’s comment. I’ve always wanted a ball-sack coin purse. Steve, if you ever run a marathon, please let me know.
Well done, Moobs. I’m very excited that someone else has Sigur Ros on their music selection – a friend of mine put me onto them recently (he said ‘you’ll probably like them’ which I suspect may be damning with faint praise – but you are the first blogger I read who has ever mentioned them…..oh, this post’s about you? Really?
Joy – thanks to the wonders of http://www.nipguards.com I remain intact (except one of them endded up lodged in my belly button.
MotR – I suggest Saks Fifth Avenue (I’m in teh bad pun ZONE tonight)
Heather – and The Arcade Fire?
Congrats on finishing the thing! I run everyday, and it is a unique kind of torture. I haven’t decided to go for a marathon yet, I don’t know if I have the guts to put myself though the nipple torture.
My uncle used use bandaids on his nipples.
I am truly impressed that you did this…..
I walked a ten k a few times and was knackered after that.
I salute you…
Ah, this post takes me back to my own marathoning days….(bores on senselessly for several hours)….but enough about my gelpack situation during miles 21.5 through 24! I am very impressed with your time. Mine was 4 hours 73 minutes, which is probably 40 minutes and 47 seconds off the qualifying time for the Help the Aged Trundleathon, but it was still a personal best for me regardless and I was very pleased just to finish. As far as I am concerned you are practically the Paula Radcliffe of blogging, except of course for being male and having boobs etc.
“The only reson to run is if you are being chased.”
LMAO!!!!
Well, glad you made it through in one piece, proud of you for doing it, but you should know that I also will not be running out to sign up for any marathons.
I thought you could just use sticking plasters to protect yourself against jogger’s nipple.
Good one on the Sigur Ros and Arcade Fire music selections.
Congrats! That is a time you should be really proud of!
I started to do the re-enactment but I was whining when I got to the sidewalk and Dick told me I shouldnt be running down the street with my nipples dragging the pavement. *sigh*
Maybe you can do some preperation videos next time so I can attempt to get in condition before hand 🙂
You’re my hero. I love the ball pin hammer!
Sign me up! In view of my encroaching porkdom, perhaps I should take a lesson from your playbook and run a marathon.
I am, after all, being chased by the chaste.
Congrats Mooooobbbsssss! I am proud of you…and am sitting here comfortably drinking a beer and thinking how AMAZING it must feel to lose one’s knees and scrape my nipples with sandpaper. WOW…it’s like porn in Home Depot or something! 😉
Honestly though…YOU ROCK!!! Kudos to you my friend…you are a saint…
Well done Moobs!
Tell me, did you grab one of those cups of water on the way, and just pour it over your head instead of drinking it? I have witnessed a few marathons and as far as I can make out, that’s how you show everyone that you’re really pushing the boat out. I think rubbing your nipples with sandpaper was probably unnecessary.
I heard somewhere that by visualising an activity, you’re halfway there, which means that reading your post represents the peak of my physical ability.
Oh well done mate! Yes yes, you can keep the money ….
running? really? what’s that?
Congrats Moobs. Good time. One of my life’s ambitions is to run the a marathon. Preferably the London marathon as I always used to watch it on telly.