I have become entranced by the present seriesof the Apprentice. Partly it is the contestants. Not only are they self-confident to the point of unrestrained megalomania but they say things like:
“When I was young I used to pray not to be beautiful. Girls used to be nasty to me because I am so beautiful (sob, weep etc). All I wanted was to look ordinary like everyone else”
Who among us has not suffered the appalling agonies of being too beautiful? Or try this on for size:
“Donald and I are so much alike. He married an Eastern European woman and I go out exclusively with Eastern European women”
In truth what has me transfixed is Donald Trump’s barnet. However closely l look at his thatch I simply cannot work out what is going on. I have tried freeze-framing. P and I have watched him stand atop skyscrapers and focused on how the wind lifts his hair in the hope of discovering its secret.
It is nothing as simple as a comb forward and a dye job. There appears to be folding involved somehow.
In the opening credits Trump walks from a building with a look on his face which I think is supposed to say “I am a powerful man and master of all I survey”. However, what it actually communicates is “I have just had a particularly satisfying bowel movement”. He is, to steal a categorisation favoured by one British journalist, not someone you would want to follow into the loo.
What is mystifying is the admiration he commands. As he sits in an apartment apparently produced by Saddam Hussein’s interior design agency, people move about him fawning.
When I was in New York a couple of years ago I took a bus tour with some other marathoners I had met on the flight over. We were difficult customers. We demanded to know how Times Square could be a square when it only had three sides. This won us the unfading emnity of the guide. (As P likes to remind me, no-one loves a smartarse). The guide was in love with Trump. He pointed to an enormous blingfest of a building and told us that Trump had sold it to an Arab Prince for 7 million dollars.
Guide: Do you know what happened next?
Me: No
Guide: 4 years later the prince sold it for 25 million dollars. What does that tell you?
Me: Donald Trump is an idiot?
Guide: No sir, he is not. It tells you that you should never trust an arab.
With this kind of wisdom on offer I really should have been taking notes.
Now I have an apprentice of my own. Barristers have “pupils”. Once upon a time pupils would pay barristers for the privilege of trailing after their “pupil masters” carrying papers, procuring gin and opium and placing their wagers on the 4:30 at Kempton in a smoky bookies’ offices off Fleet Street. Now pupils receive a hefty sum of money from Chambers to finance their year with us and have a book of Pupils’ rights so comprehensive that for the most part I have to follow them around making them tea.
I have cleared a human sized space in my room and now my shiny new pupil is sat tapping away at her laptop and contemplating the long slide down the arc of professional disillusion that, if all goes well, will leave her as battleworn and grumpy as the other members of Chambers. Her year’s training is, though this will not yet have sunk in, a year long job interview and I … well I am Donald Trump. I must just go find myself a nice Eastern European woman.
I’m quite fond of Eastern European women myself. How many times have I seen Fifth Element? Too many! That Daniela Hantuchova is more than a bit lovely, but you’d have to feed her up so as not to accidently break her.
I may have some of those steroid-fed East German shot-putters at the back of the shop if you’d like me to look sir.
Trump’s hair is quite baffling. If you ever figure out precisely what is going on with it, do tell.
I’ve always wanted to touch his hair. With a stick, of course. Because I’d be afraid my hand would stick there with all the glue he has to put on it to make it stay that way Tell me you haven’t had nightmares about it.
Promise us you won’t change your hair, Moobs (aka Donald). Pinky swear.
But Moobs…
Are you going to get the Donald Lid???
I wanna see you go into your office with that hairdo and be taken seriously…
a video blog!!!!
Trust you are busy perfecting “the look”.
Tch. Candyfloss. Innit.
Don’t terrify her too much! Let her come to the grumpiness on her own – that way it’ll sink in better.
And are you sure she’s working on her shiny new laptop and hasn’t found your blog? (Hello ‘Pupil’ – he’s a sweetheart really!) 😉
Apparently his hair is styled thusly to cover up hair transplant work that went wrong. Apparently the scarring from that is more horrific than his extreme comb-forward.
THANK YOU for pointing out Trump’s horrid hair fjdksal;fjdskal;jf… I can’t even think of a word for The Donald’s hair.
And while some people may not appreciate a ‘smart ARSE’… I sure as hell do.
Take a pic of your wee apprentice and make her write your blog for awhile…. that would be wicked and evil like Donald.
Rachael
I love the Donalds do and for a teenie tiny fee, I would run my fingers through it.
With as much press as Donald gets about his hair, it always amazes me that he does not do something to repair the problem. Makes me wonder if he uses it as one of those media gimmicks that keeps people interested. Judging from the comments to this post, any such attempt is definitely working! The hair has definitely hooked me, as I too have spent great amounts of time wondering about the styling method to his hair madness.
GREAT post, Moobs! The highlights for me were the speculation that folding is involved in The Donald’s hair, as well as the gratitude for the sage, non-inflammatory, open-minded warning by the tour guide, with regard to trusting arabs. Awesome.
can we have a picture of this person who prayed not to be beautiful?
Buttons, your wish etc:
I also misquoted her what she actually said was:
“As a child, girls hated me because I was beautiful! I wanted to scar my face because I was so beautiful! I wanted to be ugly so they wouldn’t hate me! I have tried and tried and tried my entire life for people to just to accept me.”
Moobs
C’mon – that’s Trump in drag, surely?
1. She aint that great lookin
2. Most defenitly folding……and I believe balding as well
3. Poor pooor girl, your pupil.
I’m a great admirer of the Trump. He is at once a transcendent jester and one of the great pop-cultural icons of the last quarter-century. Entirely compelling and he’d eat that weasel Branson for breakfast.
n.b. toupee, shurely?
If the poor beautiful girl wins she could give some of her hair to Trump.
God I wish I was that beautiful. I feel like I hate her but actually it’s probably just jealousy. Maybe if her face was scarred I’d find her more approachable.
Hey, she’s pretty, but not beautiful. Maybe the prayers worked!!!
Be nice to your apprentice, Moobs. She may well turn out to be an asset. xx
Anyone else notice her left eye seems to be a little higher than her right eye?
it’s a wig surely????
As I scrolled down to leave my comment, I had to stop at the picture of the girl, of course. Before reading Button’s request, I made the assumption that this was YOUR apprentice. At which I would have said, “Wow, Moobs, you really are Donald Trump if your trainee felt compelled to give you a head shot!” 🙂
He makes me puke in my mouth a little.
hilarious blog entry! and that apprentice’s hair has got to be synthetic!
These are the kind of quotes that make that show great. It’s like at first you’re kinda of jealous of all the brains and beauty and then you hear that kinda stuff and you realize that they’re not quite all their cracked up to be. I mean, I think that WE’D make MUCH better apprentices, don’t you?
p.s. good luck finding that Eastern European woman.
This one is definitely worth an ROFL. I think it was the folding hair that got me.
I don’t think it is actually hair, but a halibut artfully wrapped in synthetic hair and glued down.
Congratulations on your well-deserved ROFL Award. Your astute analysis of the Donald’s hair alone should garner you praise.
Congrats on the award. Yay!
it’s kind of origami hair really, isn’t it? i too was entranced by the apprentice usa – the participants were sooo much more compellingly self-deluding than the numpties they had on the uk version – in a kind of car-crash-can’t-look-away sort of style. but i was genuinely sorry to see bren go – missed his accent and cartoonish bow-ties and – yes – he actually appeared to have some irony going on! go bren!