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As the saying goes: “the People have spoke … the bastards”. Having carefully counted the votes the results are as follows:

The International Tenuous Connection Award 2007 ™

There was a runaway winner here – buoyed by a late surge of votes from first time visitors to the site. There’s a lesson there for the rest of you to learn … amateurs! The connection is a standout in a very stong field: CRONZNET a bow.

The UK Tenuous Connection Award 2007 ™

Despite a number of recounts (the relevant number being zero), I could not separate two nominees so, as the moths in my wallet burst into tears, the winners are: LUCY CHINTZ and URBANCHICK

Winners are encouraged to email me at moobs[at]moobz.com so that I can make arrangments to get the plonk on the way. Losers should spend the next 12 months diligently trying to put a bit more distance between themselves and the glittering world of celebrity.Tenuousness is next to Godliness!

 

On our street lives a man who lost his wife and then, progressively, his mind. The garden that they had tended together is a knot of grass and weeds and into that gathering wilderness came the foxes. Having dug themselves a foxhole they had a litter. The cubs chased each other round the garden whilst the vixen watched; sat in cover, eyes glistening. At the back window stands the man, watching. He opens the back door and the foxes scatter, but he is there to help; setting out dog food in bowls. As the years pass there are many generations of foxes in the area and a number of other patrons. The widow who runs the guesthouse loves to see them trot, heads level and steady, through the hole in the holly hedge. She is lonely and fills her life by filling her house with guests and her garden with foxes.

Our generous neighbours are people who need to love. The flow of their affection has run sluggish in the absence of a companion. They fear the dust in their hearts.

The foxes, however, have their own priorities. They are thieves; tearing at bin bags for chicken scraps; running away with gardening gloves and untended shoes; chewing through the straps of bags left momentarily by doorways and, by night,  their gaze, mean and steady, is caught through door windows by housebound cats.

As the population has grown, territory has been squeezed and battles are frequent. Today the loneliness of our neighbours had its flowering. A young fox, brush torn from its body, has lost a fight. Its life has blown across the gravel, away through the holly hedge to dissolve in the sodium light at the end of the alley.  

So you want to learn more about the exciting world of pedantry? You are not alone: associations are springing up all over the country and there are even Pedantry Clubs being formed in some foreign countries! Pedantry is not just a hobby; it is a life skill and a great way to meet new people too.

One of the best things about pedantry is that is open to people of any age and requires very little outlay. As you grow in confidence and experience you may wish to purchase specialist equipment (for many, their first purchase is a copy of Fowler’s Modern English Usage), but pedantry is something you can start right now using nothing more than willing and a little concentration.

This short introduction is intended to provide you with some basic building blocks. Though they are simple they are nevertheless powerful and, in the right hands, can make you satisfyingly objectionable in conversation with very little effort. You are just a few moments away from having your friends squirm with embarrassment at their shortcomings.

(1) “Infer”

It is rare for a conversation to go much longer than 5 minutes without your interlocutor mistaking infer for imply. “He inferred I was ignorant”. “Yes” you should reply “no doubt he drew that inference from your appalling ignorance of the true meaning of the verb ‘to infer’ – you dunce”.

(2) “Enormity”

Almost invariably this is used to mean “an enormous thing” whereas it really means “a tremendously wicked thing”. Frustratingly for pedants, the recent outbreak of terrorist outrages has caused those we torment to use the word correctly through inadvertence. A phrase such as “I had difficulty dealing with the enormity of 9/11” leaves you unable to earn the easy points that this jewel of pedantry would normally yield.

(3) “Hung”

Where one is talking about someone having been executed by hanging the appropriate past participle is “hanged”. Despite stout resistance from the Royal Society of Pedantry, the namby-pambies in Parliament abolished the death penalty in our Blessed Monarch’s realm thereby much reducing our opportunity to use this linguistic snare to trap our unwary victims.

(4) “Would of”

They mean “would have” – crush them.

(5) “Noisome”

Means “stinky” not “loud”.

(6) “Verbal”

This is often used to mean “spoken” whereas in fact it means “using words” and can cover writing. You should point out that they really mean “oral”. Take your time with that word as the innuendo adds greatly to the fun.

For those comfortable with basic moves, much satisfaction may be gained by deploying disputed usages confident in the knowledge that your opponent is unlikely to know that there is any dispute at all about what you are telling him.

(1) “The Hoi Polloi”

Hoi is itself a definite article, to say “the hoi polloi” is to say “the the many”. Pedant-masters dispute the usage but what do you care? If you can redden the cheek of the ignoramus you are talking to, go ahead.

(2) “The Split Infinitive”

This has a dependably maddening effect. Many insist on jamming an adverb into the middle of an infinitive. You can almost hear the pain in Patrick Stewart’s Royal Shakespeare Company diction when he is forced to say “to boldy go”. Many now suggest that splitting an infinitive is not just acceptable but as valid as the conventional approach. You should do what you can to stamp out this foul perversion. It may seem like commendable tolerance to allow consenting adults to use such language in their private intercourse, but ask yourself if you would be happy if your son turned out to be an infinitive-splitter.

You must accept that once you declare yourself a pedant your every word, whether written or spoken, will be subject to scrutiny. Other pedants will be anxious to earn bonus points by catching you out. Here, disputed usages are useful. You can interrupt a rival pedant in mid-correction by pointing out that Fowler disagrees. One little verbal stiletto that I have often deployed to great satisfaction is to stop someone complaining about “mispronounciation” to point out that they really mean “mispronunciation”. Ah happy days!

Many joyous hours of self-satisfaction lie ahead of you. I am envious, for the first steps on the path to pedantry are the sofest and most cherished.