So you want to learn more about the exciting world of pedantry? You are not alone: associations are springing up all over the country and there are even Pedantry Clubs being formed in some foreign countries! Pedantry is not just a hobby; it is a life skill and a great way to meet new people too.
One of the best things about pedantry is that is open to people of any age and requires very little outlay. As you grow in confidence and experience you may wish to purchase specialist equipment (for many, their first purchase is a copy of Fowler’s Modern English Usage), but pedantry is something you can start right now using nothing more than willing and a little concentration.
This short introduction is intended to provide you with some basic building blocks. Though they are simple they are nevertheless powerful and, in the right hands, can make you satisfyingly objectionable in conversation with very little effort. You are just a few moments away from having your friends squirm with embarrassment at their shortcomings.
(1)Â “Infer”
It is rare for a conversation to go much longer than 5 minutes without your interlocutor mistaking infer for imply. “He inferred I was ignorant”. “Yes” you should reply “no doubt he drew that inference from your appalling ignorance of the true meaning of the verb ‘to infer’ – you dunce”.
(2) “Enormity”
Almost invariably this is used to mean “an enormous thing” whereas it really means “a tremendously wicked thing”. Frustratingly for pedants, the recent outbreak of terrorist outrages has caused those we torment to use the word correctly through inadvertence. A phrase such as “I had difficulty dealing with the enormity of 9/11” leaves you unable to earn the easy points that this jewel of pedantry would normally yield.
(3) “Hung”
Where one is talking about someone having been executed by hanging the appropriate past participle is “hanged”. Despite stout resistance from the Royal Society of Pedantry, the namby-pambies in Parliament abolished the death penalty in our Blessed Monarch’s realm thereby much reducing our opportunity to use this linguistic snare to trap our unwary victims.
(4) “Would of”
They mean “would have” – crush them.
(5) “Noisome”
Means “stinky” not “loud”.
(6) “Verbal”
This is often used to mean “spoken” whereas in fact it means “using words” and can cover writing. You should point out that they really mean “oral”. Take your time with that word as the innuendo adds greatly to the fun.
For those comfortable with basic moves, much satisfaction may be gained by deploying disputed usages confident in the knowledge that your opponent is unlikely to know that there is any dispute at all about what you are telling him.
(1) “The Hoi Polloi”
Hoi is itself a definite article, to say “the hoi polloi” is to say “the the many”. Pedant-masters dispute the usage but what do you care? If you can redden the cheek of the ignoramus you are talking to, go ahead.
(2) “The Split Infinitive”
This has a dependably maddening effect. Many insist on jamming an adverb into the middle of an infinitive. You can almost hear the pain in Patrick Stewart’s Royal Shakespeare Company diction when he is forced to say “to boldy go”. Many now suggest that splitting an infinitive is not just acceptable but as valid as the conventional approach. You should do what you can to stamp out this foul perversion. It may seem like commendable tolerance to allow consenting adults to use such language in their private intercourse, but ask yourself if you would be happy if your son turned out to be an infinitive-splitter.
You must accept that once you declare yourself a pedant your every word, whether written or spoken, will be subject to scrutiny. Other pedants will be anxious to earn bonus points by catching you out. Here, disputed usages are useful. You can interrupt a rival pedant in mid-correction by pointing out that Fowler disagrees. One little verbal stiletto that I have often deployed to great satisfaction is to stop someone complaining about “mispronounciation” to point out that they really mean “mispronunciation”. Ah happy days!
Many joyous hours of self-satisfaction lie ahead of you. I am envious, for the first steps on the path to pedantry are the sofest and most cherished.
Ah, so pedantry goes way past being a stickler for spelling and grammar, then? I’m so glad to have been edja-ma-cated in this!
Great stuff, however I think that the example of ‘would of’ may be lowering the pedantry game a tad. I mean, anyone who uses ‘would of’ wouldn’t be able to understand the nature of pedantry and would probably be having lynch mobs outside your house thinking that you were allied to a paediatrician.
MB – I am so pleased to have been of help. Ahead of you lies a whole wide world of pedantry. I have, of course, been describing only a single aspect perhaps best labelled “Combat Pedantry”. There are many other, equally exciting, sub-disciplines. Some, for instance, concentrate solely on the misuse of the apostrophe. That does not lend itself to Combat Pedantry which focuses on the spoken word. Others like to dabble, perhaps by concentrating on the confusion between “less” and “fewer”. Whatever path you choose they all lead to fun and enchantment.
I rarely speak with anyone who even uses the word ‘infer’ let alone misuses it. I don’t think ‘hanged’ works in the song Highwaymen as ‘hung’ does.
brother, you are talking so sensically*!
i have been trying to champion ‘hoi polloi’ without a preceding definite article for, ooh, eons
pedants of the world unite!
* heh! just trying to provoke you!
aha! a man after my own heart. hopefully the general consensus will be fulsome in their praise. (there’s three that would normally have me foaming at the mouth) right there for ya
I am pedantic….things like he ‘drugged’ me across the road is the one I see more and more….
You forgot disinterested and uninterested…
Oh and this reminds me of when I was eleven and my housemistress was busy telling her friends that she named her cat Diogenes because when he was a kitten he got into a biscuit barrel and I piped up to let her know (because I didn’t want her to be embarrassed by showing off her ignorance) that Diogenes never lived in a barrel, he merely thought men ought to be able to live in a barrel. Anyway, she hated me and made my life hell for the next five years and you know what? I don’t regret it for an instant. That’s how pedantic I am. Can we have a pedantry competition next? Please?
Brilliant!! Have you read “Eats, Shoots and Leaves” by Lynn Truss? It’s applying similar concepts to punctuation..
http://www.amazon.com/Eats-Shoots-Leaves-Tolerance-Punctuation/dp/1592402038/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2/102-1837875-3244946?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1180896218&sr=8-2
One of life’s grandest pleasures is superiority. I completely agree.
I have a copy of Swan’s Modern English Usage. No I really do. Does that count?
I was just about to write a damning post over at my blog to the Swiss, decrying their insistence on spending thousands on advertising that says “Welcome at the hotel Swiss”, or “Welcome in Switzerland”, but now I feel I should concentrate my efforts on our own language abusers.
do you fume at ‘five items or less’? do you feel compelled to point out to greengrocers their apostrophic errors? (it’s a jolly good way to get your lights punched out)
maybe we should start a pedants anonymous?
If I can’t throw off the shackles of proper grammar and whatsit on the internet, where can I dammit?! Is no place sacred?
Ever since a comedic sketch on tv (forget which one), where the Gary Linneka character corrected a fellow presenter about the (mis) use of adverbs, along the lines of:
Anon Footy Presenter: “…. and the boy done brilliant!”
GL: “No. You mean ‘brilliantLY’. It’s an adverb.”
Anon footy Presenter: “…..” (confused silence)
Ever since then, I’ve noticed that this laziness is pervading all walks of life. It’s a sin, and heretics should be burned at the stake! Or perhaps we should just let sleeping lys lie? You decide.
You forgot ‘comprised of’ (aaaarrrrgh!). I do believe ‘would of’ is my pet hate, though. There is a culprit or two among our friends and neighbours in t’other place, unfortunately.
May I embellish your excellent post? For your consideration:
“Very unique”
“The reason… is because….”
“Supposably” (WHAT?!?!?!)
“alot”
And my personal bugaboo (or bugbear, if that’s the way you swing): its vs. it’s, misused or misspelled the world over!
I cannot spell, my grammar sucks and I hate pedants.
(but still love you Moobs x)
I hate pedants too. I hate the way they swing around. I can run when I’m wearing one.
….
Oh.
*Can’t* run…..not can run, which doesn’t make sense and tears my carefully-spun web of humour to tatters.
Ah well.
Um, wait a minute…. I’m stuck at hung… That’s means what?
His hung enormity inferred a verbal noisome unless it would have been hoi poi.
I’m thinking that’s not what you mean.
I’m sure that I fall pray (sic) to this sort of tish & ting all the time but I’m still put out by the use of ‘party’ as a verb and anyone who ever says ‘impactful’ – which happens more than you might think.
As a fellow pedant, I absolutely LOVE this post! I laughed out loud through the whole thing! I used to refer to myself as a “grammar nerd,” but I much prefer the “pedant” designation. It’s my new title.
I am going to stop this comment here, as I’m terrified that I have committed approximately 78 wrongs that you could easily spot and correct!
AM
Greetings. I warmly congratulate you on this splendid post. However, you make several errors:
1. It is rare for a conversation to go much longer than 5 minutes. Most style guides are fairly strict about not using numerals for numbers less than ten. Please amend this to read It is rare for a conversation to go much longer than five minutes. My thanks.
2. You write: “Yes†you should reply “no doubt he drew that inference from your appalling ignorance of the true meaning of the verb ‘to infer’.”
This is a good point, although ‘usage’, that scurvy cur, makes infer and imply almost indistinguishable these days. However, the startling lack of commas in this sentence reflects very poorly upon you. Please insert them forthwith.
3. Sofest. I always say it is rude to kick someone when they are down.
Anyway, onto more serious matters, that was very amusing… I hope I have not offended with my own pedantry, I was merely ‘eager to earn bonus points’.
If you want my personal bête noire, it is “from whence”. But there are many, many others.
Farewell.
Chris, having chosen to live by the sword I must accept the consequences 🙂
Fantastic. I cannot ever be quite the pedant that you are King Moobz, but I am at least a good disciple. My favourtie rows are about ‘pro-noun-ciation’ compared to ‘pro-nun-ciation’, and, living in Essex, the one that grates on me like fingernails down a blackboard is “off of”; as in “Eees off of the telly, inneee?”. They do , of course, mean ‘from’.
I have to admit I’m part of the apostrophe mob, too. I have no shame. I’ll correct pub landlords on the state of their chalk-board menus and signs, too.
However, I am not an extremist. I can tolerate most of what Chris has corrected above.
On a slightly different subject, I work with people (more than one person, mind you!) who pronounce moot like MUTE. Drives me apeshit. And yet I recently learned that I’ve been pronouncing segue incorrectly all these years. Nothing puts a self-proclaimed pedant in her place like finding out she’s quite the pedantic idiot.
Oh, such the snoot!
When I was in that classy establishment known as “Asduh” earlier today, over the tannoy came the message: “We have some mobile phones what are down in price today…” I am really growing to love this local dialect.
I have just noticed that you have posted on “Tragic Life Stories” in WH Smith.
I also posted on this a while ago.
Can I have my brain back please?
Using “refute” to mean “deny” is becoming increasingly popular these days, especially among libel lawyers, I’ve noticed.
May I draw your attention to this post by Diamond Geezer:
http://diamondgeezer.blogspot.com/2007_06_01_archive.html#5810502763913522358
May I? And Can I?
I am always correcting my daughter…
Oops 🙂
In my first year at university, home for the holidays, I was having a conversation with my sister, nicely winding her up concerning her use of the English language (about which, of course, I knew far, far more).
‘Oh, Mark’, she exclaimed, ‘you are so pernickity!’
To which I replied, correcting her without thinking, ‘Pedantic, Bec. Pedantic.’
late to the party again….
i hate people who use “momentarily” to describe something happening in a moment rather than for a moment.
“certainly, madam. he’ll be with you momentarily”
but that’s no good! i need him to process my mortgage application and it’ll take ages!!
as you were.
brilliant. it’s a shame, however, that those who drive us crazy with their bastardization of the english language will, indubitably, be unphased by any of this. i could spend every moment of every day dissecting and correcting, but nobody would even take notice, particularly here. i live in new jersey, my friends. i am twenty minutes away from Philadelphia, and an hour from new york, and the human race is growing weaker and weaker by the second. please, take pity on me.
i loathe: “three a.m. in the morning” – what IS that?!
and i blame my lack of capitalization on a shift button that only works when it so chooses.
thank you, and good day.
🙂
Do not ever visit Denver, or any other part of the middle US. On a daily basis I’m bombarded with the following agony:
Where’s the car at?
Where’s Joe at?
Where’s my fucking brain at?
I’m by no means a member of Patrick Stewart’s Royal Shakespeare Company, but this makes me absolutely insane.
By the way, as my friends in Boston say, you are “wicked smart.”
Australian advertising is awash with ‘cheaper prices’. Is this common elsewhere?
And could we broaden this discussion to include instances of curious phrasing by newsreaders? I submit, for example, this item: ‘the body was found…by police lying on the footpath in Dee Why’.