I’ve been Wenched. I’m going to do this in instalments.
(1) People who think God wants them to kill People
No he doesn’t, whatever the voices in your head; the scary man with the beard and the turban or my mum would have you believe. If God wanted us dead ahead of schedule and in large numbers he has much more entertaining ways of doing it. Crushed by frogs raining from the sky? That’ll be God. A child bleeding out from severed arteries because you’ve got a hard on for martyrdom and bombed a marketplace. That’s down to you you c**t.
(2) Selective Paternal Deafness
Toddler on train: Dad look it a train … [Dad stares blankly into the air] … DAD look it a train … [silence] … DAD! DAD! LOOK! It a TRAIN!! …. [tumbleweed] … DADDADDADDADDAD LOOK IT A TRAAAAIIIIINNNNNN … [Parental obliviousness. Old lady in next seat drops coffee in her lap] DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDD … [Windows crack and blow out. Dad checks his wallet for no obvious reason avoiding toddler’s gaze] …. TRRAAAIIIINNN!!!!! DAD!! DAAAAADDD!TRRAAAAAIIIIIINNNNNN LOOOOK LOOOOOK …. [Child’s eyes bulge from head. Newspapers burst into flame. Eardrums burst like microwave popcorn the length of the carriage. Father hums a tune]
Moobs: For Fuck’s sake look at you son right now and say “yes, how lovely” before I grind your testes between two rocks.
(3) Tobacco Company Executives
Nicotine is not addictive
Smoking does not cause cancer
We are not making money out of creating addicts and causing them to die
Oh and Moobs is not presently unravelling my entrails on a stick
(4) People who insult P
I drifted over to my wife at a party only to hear one of her friends say: “Sometimes P I wish my [legal] practice was more like yours: going down to some local court to do a mindless dispute. I get so tired of the high-pwered corporate litigation I do”. I decided to join in the conversation and 3 minutes later P’s friend was sobbing and felt a sudden overwhelming need to leave the party. Job done. Or not apparently as I then got a towering bollocking from P. It never ceases to amaze me what women will put up with from “friends”.
(5) Reggae Music