I have decided against revealing the petty acts of revenge I engaged in against my father, partly because a number of them carry potential criminal liability. Instead I propose to tell you about some of the unaccountable bad luck that my father suffered after he left us to shack up with the barmaid from the golf club. These misfortunes will seem minor and, to anyone but my father, they are. However, what you need to know about him is that he is a huge volcano of rage that is never more than a minor inconvenience away from a spectacular eruption. Missing a traffic light could have him thumping the steering wheel and baying like a doberman; spilt food could have him angry enough to throw his own plate at the wall; and filial defiance or perceived disobedience would result in a blow to my ear that would leave my head ringing like a bell for days. For more formal discipline he preferred the belt or cane.
In the month or so after he left, he was in a near permanent rage. Some little bastard went round to his house in the dead of night and removed the licence plates from his car. Then another little toerag let down his front offside and rear nearside tires while he was in a restaurant having a romantic meal out. And then he discovered someone had spray-painted an enormous penis on the side of his house. I could go on but it seems unfair. Indeed, I almost feel sorry for him and, of course, ashamed that the area I grew up in could harbour such delinquence.
Over the next few years he and I had our little run ins; the time I stole his accounts so that my mother’s lawyer would know the truth about his earnings only to have him threaten me with arrest; the time he tried to cut off my university funding and I had to threaten to sue him; the time he tried to persuade my Chambers not to take me on as a pupil – such jolly japes. Anyway rather than let it get me down, if I ever feel low about it I spend some time looking at the licence plate I have affixed to the wall of my study.
Â
Great stuff. Worthy of funny looks from others in communal PC room.
Rick – are you naked in the Computer Room again?
Not this time, just laughing.
A spraypainted penis on his house. I can’t think of a better welcome mat for guests.
*snickers* it’s terrible you have such delinquents running loose
i’ll try not to get on the wrong side of that delinquent then.
Classic!!!! 🙂 That took balls…I mean a spraypainted penis…I mean…well you know! 😉
The penis reminds me of the time in high school when my girls and I wrote on this girls car…cuz she “stole” my man…”Debbie Does All” in BIG white letters across the passenger side. We used the fake spray snow…so it eventually washed off…but not in time for her to drive to school! 😉
Lucky barmaid. He sounds quite the charmer.
What creative delinquents your neighborhood harboured! AND discerning. I’m sure they grew up to be quite interesting, sagacious bloggers, er, human beings. 🙂
It sure was nice of that nasty delinquent to give you his license plate.
i know it’s trite, but they do say the best revenge is living well, and it sounds like you are doing that!
Sorry to hear that you have had some rough times with your dad, and I hope that this is not inappropriate for me to say in response to a somewhat serious post, but…LMFAO!!!!!!!!!
This post was hilarious. Do you have a picture of the spray-painted penis? If so, pleeease upload it!
I know I am lucky. My dad is a lovely man, who deserves his place in heaven for living with my mum all these years.
However, I think these ‘jolly japes’ have made you the man you are today, Moobs. The Licence plate decorating your office wall is a lovely touch. xx
Nice of the local delinquent to sell you the licence plate, ay?
.
.
.
Whaaaat?
The spray painted penis is pure genius on your part, Moobs -er, I mean on the part of that little bastard.
Wow. Well, it certainly sounds like he deserved the brilliance of those buggers in the neighborhood. I bursted out laughing more then a few times here…sorry. But a HUGE penis on the side of the house??? Moobs…that’s just brilliant. The bugger who did all of that has found a permanent place in my dark heart. So, when you see him, tell him for me, okay?
A penis! I knew I loved you.
Wot they all said.
Spraypainted penis. Very I’m Alan Partridge.
I’m sure you are innocent of every single slur against your character, in a firm and legally binding sense, Mr Moobs.
Of course, we have to define ‘innocent’, and then, by implication, ‘justice’. By the sounds of it, it won’t be that difficult a job. 😉
Love the penis on the house and the plates in your study. That’s so awesome and so is that little local deliquent.
You bad, bad boy!
Every action casues an equal and opposite reaction… and what a reaction! You’re bloody marvellous!