Today is Big S’s 6th birthday. This year she has been very excited by the prospect and does not seem to have been suffering from any anxiety that this milestone might mean her having to move on to a new family. I helped her to school this morning, pushing her new “grown up girl’s scooter” up the hill and dropping her off at the playground. I decided to stick around and watch.
There was a group of girls from her class talking just inside the gate. She ran straight past them to the far end of the payground and swung herself around the netball post. She spotted N, someone she has told me is her best friend. She ran over and spoke to N. N kept walking and delivered a withering brush off of a sort I had not thought within the capabilities of a 6 year old. Big S went back to the netball post. The other girls in the class began a game in which they walked backwards around the playground. Big S moved over and got in their way and then started to talk to one of them. She was pushed away. Big S retreated to the netball post and only left it to speak to a teacher.
I felt sick and it was all I could do not to run onto the playground, scoop her up and hug her till her eyes popped out. What on earth, I wondered, could the problem be?
P had coffee with another mum and broached the topic. The class has decided, apparently, that Big S is too bossy. The class is almost certainly right. Big S is overwhelmingly bossy. She feels compelled to set the agenda. Whatever anyone is playing, she has a better thing that everyone must immediately do. Perhaps that is just how she is, but it is a very common trait in adopted children. When your world has spun dizzyingly in your early years; when you have been pitched at no notice from one family to another, you crave some control over your world. It is a perfectly understandable need which is heightened by the low self-esteem that also frequently characterises adopted children: you try too loudly and too often to make a case for friendship because you don’t really believe that you deserve love.
My heart broke this morning. I desperately want to break the link between Big S’s past neglect and her present feelings. I want her to know she is an amazing little girl and, most of all, I want her to be happy. It looks as if that will not come easy. Would that it did. Would that it did.
Honestly bro, don’t tear yourself up too much about it. It’s just how kids are. They’ll all be friends again within a few days.
Girls of that age are particularly cruel, but they’re also incredibly fickle.
Big S is a smart girl, she’ll work it out. At least the overwhelming love and acceptance she gets at home will have a positive enough effect on her self-esteem so that she’s able to deal with that kinda cr*p at school with greater ease.
Girls will be girls. And as heartbreaking as it is, you’ll no doubt be having to welcome those little b*tches into your home as Big S’s reinstated best friends in a few days/weeks.
My favourite niece regularly falls out with her best friend. My sister tears herself up about it too- for being too bossy. Helen’s right- these things really do come and go quickly with girls. I’m sure you’re doing absolutely everything you can as a fantastic dad to help her x
Editing on a small screen here- not wishing to imply my sister’s the bossy one 🙂
As an army brat, I went to lots of different schools. The ladies above are right – kids, especially girls, can be mean and offhand with anyone who’s either new to the school or just a bit different – but it doesn’t last long. After all she’s already been through, I’m almost certain you’re feeling worse than she is. She’ll be fine – couldn’t be otherwise with you and P as parents. Honest.
Hi Bro,
How horrendous! I had the same experience when I saw my S trying to make friends with his Dutch classmates, though I have to say, your reaction seems much milder than mine, as I wanted to go in a tear them off a strip, threatening actual bodily harm a la psycho nanny in the hand that rocks the cradle. Instead, I just smiled encouragingly with a jaunty ‘I love you loads’ kind of a wave as he turned to me with a look of sad confusion.
The only thing I can suggest (if you are not already doing it) is one to one play dates. This gives big S the opportunity to shine, but in a more relaxed way, as groups tend to make them panic even more, exacerbating the problem and sending them into turbo control mode.
Otherwise just get a big stick and beat the little bitches! Cx
Thanks for the reassurance folks. What I saw today confirms what P and others have been telling me about for a few months. I just had not seen it myself (and probably didn’t want to see it). I hope that the wind of little girl disapproval will indeed change course and will do so without me having to resort to the more extreme tactics favoured by the elder of my two sisters!
What a lovely daughter you have!
I agree with the consensus … girls can be very cruel. Regardless of bossiness, agreeableness, and all sorts of other -nesses, girls will be girls and it is quite hard to watch. I fought my urge to pummel other children when my daughter was younger (still do, truth be told) and continue to advise her to think things through from another’s perspective, to ask questions, to not give up but to always have fun, be it with others or by herself. It looks good on screen, but OH MY is it damn difficult to do in real life.
But you are doing and will continue to do wonderfully. Such a little post but so much love comes through it!!
Little girls can be horrendous sometimes – my niece has a bit of a stammer and classmates who are her friend one day, will be taking the piss the next. She just brushes it off with aplomb while me and my sister are ready to come screaming down with fiery vengeance.
Keep doing what you’re doing – the more you make Big S feel secure, the more her self-confidence will increase.
You’ve had excellent advice so far, and it’s all true. Things won’t be like this forever, and the situation will improve. She’s lucky to have the best mum and dad who’ll help her through it.
When we came back to Ireland from abroad my, very bossy, daughter went into school after the class had been together for a year (she was 6 at the time) and it was very tough. It’s really taken until now, aged 8, for her to be comfortable and have a group of friends. I found a number of things to be helpful: 1. Talk to the school – they can be quite good about keeping an eye on things in the yard and making sure that they’re not left to fend for herself there or in the classroom; 2. Invite around school friends for playdates; 3. Invite friends round from outside school – neighbours’ children, relatives, your friends’ children – where ever you can find them and get her a circle of friends independent from the school context. Best of luck, it is grim to see them miserable, but she’ll be fine.
Oh my, I have just read this now. And my heart felt a stabbing feeling. There is so often a gap between what we long for, for our children and what life puts in their way. Her wounds will heal… and for someone who has suffered so much it will take time. She couldn’t be in better hands. Keep doing what you are doing. That firm bond that you are creating will reap the rewards in the end. Promise….Love is an extraordinary healer.