Still can’t blog about the football. Tonight as I lay on my sofa waiting for P to finish peeling my grapes I chanced upon a televisual “spectacular” in which soap actors that I had never heard of were paired with minor singing celebrities and invited to sing duets. I should mention that this is competitive duetting. It had the cat’s piss stench that characterises much of the tv has to offer at the moment. I was about to turn over to see if there was anything interesting on QVC when I spotted that Stewart Copeland was a judge. This man was something of a hero to me having, as drummer in “The Police”, the sort of intimate tour-hardened relationship with “Sting” that frequently led to him punching the spiky-haired vegan world-music-championing twat in his smug sanctimonius face. Who among us can honestly say we have not wanted to do that? Stewart lived that dream for all of us. Now here he was sat next to Lulu and telling Nicky “have I mentioned I’m a graduate” Campbell that “he rocks”. Who among us can honestly say that we have ever wanted to do that?
The error was mine – I expceted him still to be cool – but why should he be 25 years on? That leads to me new test:
HOW DELUDED ARE YOU? aka “The Sex Pistols Test”
You have reached a certain age but of course you are still cool. You have bought a Coldplay Album and you know who the Kaiser Chiefs are. You poor deluded fool. Try this test:
(1) Begin by identifying your reference band. This is the NOT the first band you thought were cool but the first band you thought AND STILL THINK are cool. For my band I select the Sex Pistols.
(2) Count back the number of years from this year to the year your reference band arrived on the scene. We’ll call this THE COOL YEAR. In my case the Cool Year is 1977. The countback is 2006 – 1977 = 29
(3) Now count back the same number of years from your Cool Year. In my case 1977 – 29 = 1948
Me thinking that the Sex Pistols are cool in 2006 is like someone in 1977, surrounded by punks, thinking that Al Jolson could still cut it. Al Jolson is my “Delusion Artiste”
Now it is your turn.
Tell what your Cool Year is and complete the official delusion statement:
“Me thinking [Reference Band] are cool in 2006 is like someone in [Cool Year] thinking that [Delusion Artiste] could still cut it.”
Me thinking The Jesus and Mary Chain are cool in 2006 is like someone in 1984 thinking that Danny Peppermint could still cut it.I’m not sure this is working like it should. Most of the 1962 acts I could have chosen*, although probably quite uncool in 1984, have since made a comeback and today out-cool the class of 1984. You need to build some kind of “retro-effect” into your equation to account for this.* The Beatles? Ella Fitzgerald? Roy Orbison, Shirley Bassey, James Brown, Sinatra, Dylan – they’re all cool again. No Al Jolsons in ’62. Except Danny Peppermint.
menace, I think that you may need to wait a few years to play this game with any sense of real shame. (T Rex – Glenn Miller).
Menace: No it’s working as designed. First, you the have the point that it is 1984 in which coolness has to be measured. Imagine your with your mates at a Jesus and Mary Chain concert and announce to them what a huge Shirley Bassey fan you are.
Secondly, I’m afraid the test has found you out. The hooded boy I engaged in conversation as he “tagged” the wall of my house last night informs me that the music of the moment is something called “Grime” (http://www.grimemusic.com). I don’t have the least clue what Grime sounds like. I have no idea who Deverfish of the OT crew is. THat is how it should be. I am a fat middle-aged tosser and if I knew about theis stuff its credibility would bleed away in seconds. However, if the screeching teenage trolls who throw chips at each other outside the co-op slope off home to listen to Ella Fitzgerald or Roy Orbison its a limited diet of hat-eating for me.
The acts you mention have reached the transcednece point. Everyone knows Picasso is a great artist, Mozart is a great composer and Einstein is a great genius. They may not be able to tell a Picasso from a Vettriano let alone a Braque but that does not matter. Similarly some bands have now transcended into general acceptance of importance. As is so often the case, Bowling for Soup catch the concept in their inspired lyrics. In this case from their hit single “1985”:
“When did Motley Crue become ‘Classic Rock’?”
(http://www.sing365.com/music/lyric.nsf/1985-lyrics-Bowling-for-Soup/88197B61F74BDD2748256ECA000A86A3)
Hahahaahaaaa – this is very funny. I don’t know which reference band to choose would be because I’ve gone through so many changes.
I like the idea of you talking to the hooded one about what’s cool. Grime isn’t very tuneful, you are better off with Al Jolson.
Grime? Does this mean I no longer get respec’ for being an afficionado of “crunk”?
Me thinking The Cure are still cool in 2006 is like someone in 1982 thinking that Frankie Avalon was still hot stuff.
Mr Splog thinking that ZZ Top are still cool in 2006 (and he really really does) is like someone in 1969 thinking Irving Berlin still rocked. Ha ha.
NB – The Cure will ALWAYS be cool.