When P told me that the pregnancy test for this, our final, round of IVF would be on Easter Saturday I was secretly delighted. P felt things were going well: we had two embryos survive the thaw and all the indications from the scans were good.

P is not religious so she thought my own cheerfulness was as a result of the feedback that she was giving me from her trips to the hospital. That was not the only reason for my good humour. The great feast of Easter is a feast of hope and, most importantly, of new life. I felt God was winking at me, nudging and hinting that finally he would do for us what he had done for Sarah: He would give us hope in our despair and the gift of new life.

Of course God was not winking at me. Often the answer to even the most desperate prayers is “no”. P stood in front of me holding out the plastic stick on which God’s will was written in the form of a single blue line. 

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50 thoughts on “”

  3. It seems so impossible on the days of miracles that when we ask for one, seemingly so small in the grand scheme of things, that the answer is a silent no.

    I’m sorry.

  4. I’m having a hard time not using bad language; Moobs; I’m so so sorry. So very sad for you right now.
    (((Moobs & P)))

  5. Moobs, Oh Moobs, Hugs to both of you and silence… I can’t imagine your pain. No couple have deserved so much and been given so little, I am so sorry.

  7. I don’t believe for a minute that it’s God’s will that two loving people who desperately want to have a child cannot do so. It’s an accident of biology.

  13. I am very sorry Moobs. Life is more unfair than fair. I feel the spirit of my mother moving as I write this to you. She always says, “when God closes a door, he always opens a window.” I know it sounds silly, but I have always found comfort in sentiments like that, even if temporarily. So I hope you find the door and I hope it is grand.

  16. I am so very very sad…

    I had thought of both of you this entire weekend… And now I shall think of you both this entire week with a heavy heart…

  17. I am so sad for you and P. My heart goes out to both of you and I am sending many cyber hugs your way.

  20. Having just reached the same place with our (failed) attempts at getting pregnant I understand and completely empathize. May you allow the Universe fill you with joy and gratitude for what you have. And maybe, just maybe, a miracle of some kind will come too.

  21. God’s will for now. More shall be revealed. I say this not to minimize your devastation, which I can only imagine is all-consuming at the moment. I am very, very sorry for this news. Thank you for sharing it with us.

    Life is just so hard. Still, I say that more shall be revealed. Whatever that means, none of us can know right now.

  26. Poor Moobs. Poor Penny. My heart goes out to you.

    I know this feels like the end of the line. And today, it is.

    But tomorrow has possibilities we cannot understand today.

  27. I’m so sorry to hear about this Moobs. So cliche, and I’m sure you’ve heard it already, but I know that somehow, someway you’ll be parents someday soon. God has only said ‘no’ to this route…

  28. Having been in this place over too many months and years, I know I can’t say anything that really helps with the grief over this particular process failing. What I do know is that once a couple has gone through what you and P have–not just gone through but survived with each other still firmly in each other’s arms–your odds of growing old together are now very high, as well as your odds of making great adoptive parents (if you wish). Hugs from from deep in my heart, even if far away.

  29. Words are getting in the way… but know how profoundly glad I am that you choose to share this news with those of us who have come to care very deeply for you and P. Here for you, Moobs.

  35. I second what Cladia said. I’m sure you’ve had enough “I’m sorry”. There still is hope though, maybe not in the form that you expected, but it’s out there.

  38. Oh Moobs, I am so sorry. I know you are more religious than I am, but I just can’t understand it when people say that things, like this single blue line, happen for a reason, that God did it for a reason. What is the reason? What could be the reason that God didn’t want two people like you to have a kid? I don’t get it.

  43. No words, it’s all already been said above but I just wanted to say I have been thinking of you both all week.
    L.

  45. words don’t mean much in this type of situation…but of course they are the only way to convey the sentiment so I will add to the chorus:

    I am sorry.

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