As a lawyer I lie for money, but you may not appreciate that I am a great fan of amateur lying. Tell me:
(1) In one sentence only, a really stupendous lie; and/or
(2) The biggest lie you have ever been told.
Any reference to Iraqi WMDs receives a demerit for lack of originality.
My Friday lie:
“Teeth do not grow naturally; they are hammered into your jaw as you sleep by your parents”.
I’m a very bad liar.
Gamba – Are you from Crete?
Yes.
Scooter, Santa came!
1. I grew up on the same ghetto block as Vanilla Ice (you know, the “rapper” of early 90’s fame, who grew up wealthy and lied to the media about being from the ghetto).
2. (By an ex-boyfriend, who showed up at my doorstep at 2:00 a.m. one Saturday night after our relationship had ended, clearly for a booty call, to whom I did not open the door but whom I later confronted about his audacity): “That’s NOT why I came over! If you had let me in, you would have found out that I had been drinking and driving that night, and I had been pulled over by a police officer while driving very close to your house, but I passed the “walk the line” test, so he let me go without a citation and without arresting me, so then I went to your house because it was the closest place I knew of to crash and sober up, and when you wouldn’t let me in, I let myself in to (insert name of the agency where he and I had been working together at the time, which was located only about 10 minutes from his house) and slept there.” I know, I know … most women reading this are wishing that they could even ASPIRE to having the same excellent skills in man selection that I have always had …
I’m your identical twin sister. And I am a professional criminal. Ironic, no?
I found a grape on the floor yesterday…no, wait…it was a raisin.
Steve~
“No really hun, when we are married you will get hot steamy sex every single night and I really do wear slinky lingerie all the time!”
Ayers Rock is a 19th century fake.
My biggest lie ever–
College. I’d blown off an English class for a couple months and in an effort not to fail, I told my professor this yarn…
I’ve been out of school because I was contacted by a private detective that I had a long lost twin sister who was dying.
Sadly…this worked.
I was told by a neighbor, when I was very very young, that if he were to unscrew my bellybutton, my bum woudl fall of.
Diabolical.
It wasn’t me.
“No really, I think you’re hot, totally hot.”
1.”You need to leave your binky on the windowsill Pea. It’s time to let the binky fairy come and recycle your binks for a new baby”
2.”There’s no such thing as ghosts”
3. “No honey…you haven’t gained weight at allllll”
OOOO…biggest lie that was EVER told to me:
“Hey…the only reason I slept with her is cuz well…I thought you and her might be open to a threesome with me and I thought it would be best to ya know…try her out and make sure she would be good for you babe.”
NO KIDDING! I sure have dated some nice ones, eh?
1. I want to make love to George Bush, all night long. Wow. That voice. Sends chills up and down my spine.
2. I cannot lie for toffee, or money, or anything else.
The lie: The one key marketing and advertising target market for Miller High Life, Heineken and Hennessey Very Special Cognac during the past year or so has been the 21 to 34-year-old crowd.
Note: This would make too much sense. Actually this is a lie. In the past year or so, Miller High Life, Heineken and Hennessey Very Special Cognac–delivered as much or more marketing and advertising exposure to 12 to 20-year-olds as to those ages 21-34. Question. Why in the world are these three brands allowed to target their alcohol advertising to ANYONE under the age of 18, let alone to children who are 12 and 13-years-old.
Hey Miller, Heineken, and Hennessey: your advertising and marketing executives who target alcohol ads to 12 to 17-year olds should be fired! Such irresponsible advertising may be great for future alcohol sales but terrible for the health and productivity of the teens and young adults who will abuse alcohol and become alcoholics.
DenMan7
http://www.About-Alcoholism-Info.com
The lie: The government would never post the bank account numbers of thousands of recently divorced people.
The truth. Not only were the bank account numbers of these divorced people posted on a government website, but so were the addresses and the signature scans of these divorced individuals.
Question: Why in the world would any government agency or organization post ANYONE’S bank account number online? OK. So there’s a major glitch in information made public by this governmental agency. I wonder how many committee meetings, investigations, and how many weeks will go by before the needed corrections are made. And I don’t want to hear about how complex the governmental database is. Fields in databases can be deleted within seconds.
A problem as critical as this should be addressed and corrected within hours, not days, weeks, or months. Hey government officials–get off of your dead butts, stop making excuses, and “make it happen” regarding the needed corrections to this major screw-up.
By the way, whoever authorized bank account numbers to become part of the online public record should be fired “yesterday.†Seriously, are these decision makers in the final stage of alcoholism?
Source: http://www.davickservices.com/how_criminals_use_online_records.htm
DenMan7
http://www.Alcohol-Information.com
Mine: I promise I won’t tell ANYONE.
I’m a Mom. I never lie. Well, almost never.
“I have no idea what happened to your *insert art project/paper concoction/huge mess of playdough here*.”
“The last cookie? I can’t imagine who ate it.” (said while wiping incriminating crumbs from corners of mouth).
Really Stupendous* Lie: I really am very concerned and worried about the staff in my organisation when they go off on long term sick. I am sympathetic to the core on each and every occasion.
Biggest Lie I’ve been told (which, sadly at the time, I fell for): “Someone from work has been following me all week to find out if I’m really ill with stress or not. I saw them pull up in the carpark across from me on Monday, and they’ve been shadowing me ever since.”**
* Wonderful word ‘stupendous’. Doesn’t get used enough in my opinion!
** This made perfect sense at the time. As soon as I realised he was mentally unstable, this kinda looked different in hindsight….
To my mother: of course I haven’t got a tattoo. You’re imagining things.
That’s also up there with the boyfriend who lived ‘nearby’, ie in my house.
I’m a bad daughter.
I love children, baby.
We can have that installed for you next week.
I love Bush.
Since John Entwistle’s death I’ve been playing bass for the Who.
He has, he’s a mighty bass player. I can vouch for Yorks.
chocolate? in the fridge? no – that’s not chocolate. it’s brown cheese. you wouldn’t like it at all.
No thank you. I don’t drink.
i can’t lie. i’m awful at it.
i think the worst lie i have been told is ‘it will be ok’
yeah right
a) I am a private investigator. Actually, we don’t use that term in the trade, it sounds wanky. We prefer to call ourselves freelance surveillance operatives.
b) No, I swear I’m not sleeping with him.
“potty training will take about a week”
“the ……..(insert new item of clothing/shoes) only cost a tenner”
“I broke even at the dog track tonight, and I didn’t drink too much.”
I hear this lie on a regular basis.
I have really messed up feet so I tell people that my little toe was bitten off by a shark. It is a hugely elaborate story that involves a deep sea fishing and a Wonder Woman Pez. The best part is how many people walk away saying, “you just can’t make that up!” Um yes I can.
to a 6 yr. old student of mine: “I can speak Squirrel”.
I’m really gullible so I’ve probably been told many huge lies and had no idea.
When I was a kid my mom told me that I had a rabbit in my head who made candy. If I took a nap the candy would come out my ear. I believed her.
PS Can’t you be a lawyer and be truthful??? Never mind. If you say yes, I wouldn’t believe you anyway.
I have, on occasion, formulated untruths. Usually at parties, after a slight oiling. Particularly when asked what I do. They have included :
“I don’t need to work. My great grandfather invented helicopter rotary blades; and now my family have more money than they know what to do with.”
And :
“I work for St Ivel. I am a yoghurtician.”
And been told ?
“Nah, fish-eye chillies are used in mild dishes, as they’re not especially potent. Try one.”
My father told me he was hired to ferret out Communists on the campus of Louisiana State University. When I told him he was full of shit, he said he was not, and that if he hadn’t been hired to do this (he said he only found a bunch of hippies), he never would have met my mother and I, therefore, never would have been born. “So you can thank your lucky stars for McCarthy, you hear me? You owe your precious existence to him.”
1. “Yes, I really do have eyes on the back of my head.”
2. “You look like Cindy Crawford’s twin sister.”