So you want to learn more about the exciting world of pedantry? You are not alone: associations are springing up all over the country and there are even Pedantry Clubs being formed in some foreign countries! Pedantry is not just a hobby; it is a life skill and a great way to meet new people too.
One of the best things about pedantry is that is open to people of any age and requires very little outlay. As you grow in confidence and experience you may wish to purchase specialist equipment (for many, their first purchase is a copy of Fowler’s Modern English Usage), but pedantry is something you can start right now using nothing more than willing and a little concentration.
This short introduction is intended to provide you with some basic building blocks. Though they are simple they are nevertheless powerful and, in the right hands, can make you satisfyingly objectionable in conversation with very little effort. You are just a few moments away from having your friends squirm with embarrassment at their shortcomings.
(1)Â “Infer”
It is rare for a conversation to go much longer than 5 minutes without your interlocutor mistaking infer for imply. “He inferred I was ignorant”. “Yes” you should reply “no doubt he drew that inference from your appalling ignorance of the true meaning of the verb ‘to infer’ – you dunce”.
(2) “Enormity”
Almost invariably this is used to mean “an enormous thing” whereas it really means “a tremendously wicked thing”. Frustratingly for pedants, the recent outbreak of terrorist outrages has caused those we torment to use the word correctly through inadvertence. A phrase such as “I had difficulty dealing with the enormity of 9/11” leaves you unable to earn the easy points that this jewel of pedantry would normally yield.
(3) “Hung”
Where one is talking about someone having been executed by hanging the appropriate past participle is “hanged”. Despite stout resistance from the Royal Society of Pedantry, the namby-pambies in Parliament abolished the death penalty in our Blessed Monarch’s realm thereby much reducing our opportunity to use this linguistic snare to trap our unwary victims.
(4) “Would of”
They mean “would have” – crush them.
(5) “Noisome”
Means “stinky” not “loud”.
(6) “Verbal”
This is often used to mean “spoken” whereas in fact it means “using words” and can cover writing. You should point out that they really mean “oral”. Take your time with that word as the innuendo adds greatly to the fun.
For those comfortable with basic moves, much satisfaction may be gained by deploying disputed usages confident in the knowledge that your opponent is unlikely to know that there is any dispute at all about what you are telling him.
(1) “The Hoi Polloi”
Hoi is itself a definite article, to say “the hoi polloi” is to say “the the many”. Pedant-masters dispute the usage but what do you care? If you can redden the cheek of the ignoramus you are talking to, go ahead.
(2) “The Split Infinitive”
This has a dependably maddening effect. Many insist on jamming an adverb into the middle of an infinitive. You can almost hear the pain in Patrick Stewart’s Royal Shakespeare Company diction when he is forced to say “to boldy go”. Many now suggest that splitting an infinitive is not just acceptable but as valid as the conventional approach. You should do what you can to stamp out this foul perversion. It may seem like commendable tolerance to allow consenting adults to use such language in their private intercourse, but ask yourself if you would be happy if your son turned out to be an infinitive-splitter.
You must accept that once you declare yourself a pedant your every word, whether written or spoken, will be subject to scrutiny. Other pedants will be anxious to earn bonus points by catching you out. Here, disputed usages are useful. You can interrupt a rival pedant in mid-correction by pointing out that Fowler disagrees. One little verbal stiletto that I have often deployed to great satisfaction is to stop someone complaining about “mispronounciation” to point out that they really mean “mispronunciation”. Ah happy days!
Many joyous hours of self-satisfaction lie ahead of you. I am envious, for the first steps on the path to pedantry are the sofest and most cherished.
