Before Zachys has even managed to deliver the plonk to Martini Mom victrix in the tenuous connections competition, it is time for a new competition. I want you, either by commment, or by link back from your site, to provide me with your best example of someone’s detachment from reality; of their domicile on a planet other than our own. Those with a genuine mental illness are excluded. I want tales of the deluded, the ignorant or the naive. Drive traffic to my site Tell your friends and readers and give them a chance to win a bottle of finest plonk.
Nominees may proudly display the following on their site:
Here’s an example to show you the kind of thing I mean:
“In my first year as a barrister I was invited to an garden party thrown by my Inn of Court. I was too inexperienced to realise that one should avoid these things whilst there is life yet in you and was cornered by a judge’s wife.
JW: Hello, I’m married to a judge.
M: Uh-huh.
[Painful silence save for the ultrasonic vibration of a conversational vacuum yawning open]
M: And, er, what do you do?
JW: I do charity work; mainly visiting hospitals. I like to visit girls on the maternity ward.
M: That must be very rewarding.
JW: It isn’t.
M: … er …
JW: Because most of the girls, I call them girls because that’s all they are really, are not really interested in their babies at all. Not one bit. They just talk about parties and how soon they can get back to drinking and dancing. It is very sad. I hate to think of all those nice couples who cannot have children when these girls don’t really care about their babies.
M: .. er …
JW: I think it should be possible for the nice people to be given these children.
M: Er wouldn’t their mothers mind?
JW. Oh I don’t think so; not really. But they would have to be given something in return of course.
M: But of course.Â
JW: Perhaps … perhaps a cottage in the country. Then everyone would be happy.
M: Excuse me I must sit down as my head is spinning.”
Entries close at 5pm on Sunday GMT. Winner will be selected by public vote.
Moobz, you’ve already heard this story, but it fits the criteria for the competition:
I was a note-taker at a meeting between a senior manager and an employee, (who also happened to be a union representative) in my place of work.
Senior Manager: Now UO, your phased return to work after your illness needs to have some structure to it. You’ve been on half your working week for the last 12 months, and we need to get you up to working full time again.
Union Official: Its all been so stressful. I’m doing 3 days a week now, and I was terribly ill back in 2005.
SM: Yes, but it seems you’re only doing Union duties in the 3 days a week you’re in work. You aren’t actually producing anything for the organisation that is paying your wages, and this has got to stop. We’ve paid you at the full rate for the last year and you’ve provided us with no tangible outputs in return.
UO (getting angry): Are you trying to tell me that the organisation can tell me what to do??
SM: Errr….. Yes….
Oh that’s a great start.
My cousin has a lovely daughter who is a wonderful girl, very thoughtful and generous …and a true blonde.
Shortly after her father gave her her first car Jen comes running in the house after being out with her friends.
Jen: mommmm where are the batteries ?
Mom: what size honey?
Jen: Im not sure …I think maybe round ones
Mom: ?? round ones??
Jen: yes im pretty sure i need round ones
Mom: what for honey ? is your watch running slow ?
*insert drum roll here*
Jen: No ….the headlight on my car just went out and I want to change the batteries
When I was in 6th form I went to a private girls school. One day we went on a trip to a campus university which was situated just on the green belt of Edinburgh. To get there we had to drive through some of Edinburgh’s worst housing estates. Think Trainspotting territory, but before the film came out and anyone knew anything about the non-touristy side of the city.
I was sitting next to a rich girl who was one of my friends but hadn’t really seen much of anything. Looking at a particularly grim collection of low-rise flats she said, “Isn’t it awful?”
I said, “Yes.”
She said, “I can’t understand why people want to live here when there are much nicer parts of Edinburgh to live.”
My mother instantly springs to mind, although the only example I can come up with off the top of my head is that she thought the conflict in Israel was between the Israelis and the Jews.
Kim – LOL
Gamba – Ah! St George’s girls.
Rick – That’s actually pretty good. If you win will your mum tan your backside though?
Look no further – I am the person the most detached from reality that I know! For example, this year I thought I would try to interest myself in my husband’s favourite sport, football, for the sake of marital harmony. I’d heard that something called the World Cup was starting soon.
Me (making huge effort to sound interested): So! The World Cup kicks off next week!
Him: Yes.
Me: Just remind me – who won it last year?
Him: *sigh*
There’s probably more, but I must go and check that the fridge light is working again, because I have a feeling it cuts out every time I shut the door.
I don’t have a story yet…I may sit this one out. I will however…be looking forward to my PLONK!!! 😉 You rock Moobs…
I have no idea what a plonk is but I’d like to win it. I don’t have a story though. Will think on it and reply again if I have anything good.
Hmm. It is interesting that the Brits are having no trouble with this whereas the US contingent (with the exception of the inestimable Kim) are striking out. Could it be that the US simply has fewer space cadets and semi-professional delusionals than we do here in the realm of her blessed majesty?
Nope – I think its because they don’t notice them like we do….
I was most ammused when my teenage sister explained that the battle of Trafalgar was fought in our very own Trafalgar square. She apparently had never considered the logistics…
Spanners – well done for not mentioning Bush.
Peter – Tis true, Nelson was hit by a musket ball while queuing for a Egg McMuffin in the McDonalds by Charing Cross
ahh, yes, but luckily after the French Line was broken at Whitehall the battle was all but won.
Okay, I didn’t hear this story firsthand so it doesn’t count, but I’m just using it to get the juices flowing….
An American couple is taking a taxi to Heathrow airport at the end of their holidays. The cab driver points out Windsor Castle to them. One of them asked why on earth the queen would build her castle so close to the airport!
I’ve got it (See? It worked!).
A nun once asked me to have a look at her computer because it wasn’t working correctly. Both the vendor and another tech had tried unsuccessfully to fix it, and I was her last resort. Despite being very busy at the time, I agreed. The problem, it turned out, was that after connecting her new scanner to the computer, the sound card stopped working so she could no longer listen to her music. Her tone of voice indicated that it really was a serious problem. No, really.
This was in the days before plug and play so I had to open up the case and fiddle with switches and pin connectors until I found a pair of IRQ’s and memory settings that didn’t conflict with each other. After about two hours of work, both the scanner and sound card were working. For this, I received a cup of coffee, a cookie and a holy card.
Fast forward to a month later, when the good sister calls me again. She couldn’t hear her music again. She swore she hadn’t changed anything; it just quit working. I trudge back to her convent, and go through all the software settings again. Everything looked correct. I decided I would have to crack open the case and start fiddling with switches again. As I was about to open up the case…
Me (holding the speaker wire): Sister, why is this unplugged?
Sister (defensively): I didn’t touch it. You unplugged it when you were here last time, and I didn’t want to change anything.
Me (turning red): Sister! Weren’t the speakers working when I left here last time?
Sister: Yes, but I didn’t touch anything!
Me: SISTER! The speakers cannot work if the speaker wire is not plugged in. It WAS plugged in when I left here.
Sister (sheepishly): Well, maybe it came out when I moved the computer to dust under it.
I didn’t think nuns had things like computers that play music. What do they listen to? Do they download it?
I nominate Other Idiot Colleague: A 42-year-old mother of three who is legally allowed to vote, drive and own a firearm. Exhibit A (and there’s plenty more where this comes from):
Other Idiot Colleague: Booger, this chap is moving to Ireland. Can he still use our services?
Booger: Whereabouts in Ireland is he moving to? If its Northern Ireland then he can, if its the Republic then he can’t.
OIC: What’s the difference?
B: We only cover UK residents.
OIC: *stares, uncomprehending*
B: The Republic of Ireland isn’t part of the UK.
OIC: Isn’t it?! Since when?
B: *stares, uncomprehending*
Brolo – Now I feel guilty about not dusting under my PC
Gamba – John Michael Talbot!
Boog – LOL. The word “Republic” didn’t give her a clue?
I don’t think she knows what the word ‘Republic’ actually means…
Only yesterday Bonkers was trying to have a word with Media-Lady, who snapped at him that she didn’t have time. LT-Girl asked why he didn’t just email her. ‘Because I’m trying to engage her – I’m fed up of working like this. Honestly, I’m SO SICK OF THE EGOS round here!’
Self-blindness is a wonderful thing.
Pog – Did you laugh up a lung?
Me: “what day does the Friday Ad come out?”
everyone else in the world :*silent*
Sammy – Lol. THat reminds me – I have forgotten to put your site in the blogroll.
I want to know why people are wasting their lives duting UNDER computers. In the corner of the universe that I inhabit, dust does not fall UNDER things, it falls on them and around them. Therefore dusting only needs to happen on and around stuff. Hence why you don’t need to move your sofa when you hoover.
DS – Lol – I’ve tried this exact line with the dearest P. She offered to push me under a bus to demonstrate the principle
DS: Thus proving my point that she did not inhabit our universe. Thanks.
I certainly had a go, moobs m’dear …
It would seem to me that in the majority of those conversations, I am the one that is vacant and detached. I’d recite them for your pleasure, but I really don’t pay close attention, so I don’t care.
I did have a conversation with a nice old lady at church one Sunday morning. I wasn’t really listening to her rambling, but I heard she was getting a “new” something. Thinking this was a good time to show I was listening, I added, “New? That’s got to be better than a used one.”
That something “new” was a hip replacement. She just looked at me and said, “Yes. I suppose it is better than a used one…”
The conversation ended shortly after that.
I’ve been drawing a blank for 3 days over this. Stage fright? I don’t think so…Dumb? I’m thinking quite possibly.
Although, I am enjoying reading these wonderful examples of detachment…damn it.
Is having a ‘used’ hip replacement installed along the same lines as ‘borrowing’ a tissue?
Yesterday I was watching Big Bear Week and my dad came in while they were on the polar bears. They had come across a freshly frozen lake which had attracted quite a few bears. There was this one bear that was gingerly stepping onto the ice (you could hear faint cracking sounds) before it laid down and started sliding itself along on its belly. My dad said something about it wanting to be careful or it’ll end up in the water. I pointed out that “Polar bears can swim, you know” to which he replied
“Yeah, but they don’t want to in the cold water, do they!” I went on to point out that since they live around Hudson’s Bay that’s the only kind they come across and that they don’t call them polar bears for nothing.
On behalf of my aforementioned father I submit this entry.
Back in the late ’70s when he was an apprentice in the steel industry, he was at work one day when it was chuckin’ it down with rain. This bloke said “I wouldn’t want to be a postman in this weather.”
A second man added “Or a binman.” To which an elderly female employee responded “Way, they only come round once a week!”
BroLo – I love tech support stories – Gamba says “I didn’t think nuns had things like computers that play music.”
Myself, *I* didn’t think nuns were allowed to LIE!! (“Sister (sheepishly): Well, maybe it came out when I moved the computer to dust under it.”)
How many Hail Marys is that worth?? 🙂
I vote for Sammyface!
Hello, dear Moobs. Liberal Banana sent me here because my entire blog is dedicated to how unbelievably stupid American university students are and how (or why) I am surprised by each demonstration of stupidity. Can I have more than one entry? (I am also a part-time wedding planner while making my way through my doctoral program and wedding parties AND wedding guests also give me lots of blog fodder). I’m not sure this is the best one, but here goes: (My apologies for the length; I just copied it from one of my blog entries, but I think context is important. I understand if you have to ban me from your blog forever.
The first semester I taught, I had in my syllabus that papers were to be stapled. And much to my amazement, students rarely stapled their papers. Sometimes they would expend the effort and use a paper clip or a binder clip, but mostly they just folded down the corners or rolled down the corners and handed me this sad, raggedy pile of papers that my dog would be embarrassed to pee on. Over the course of the semester, I found myself being a broken record: “Please staple your papers,” and then, “I really need for you to staple your papers, people!” and finally, “If you don’t staple your paper because you’re thinking ‘She must not mean me,’ get off it already – I mean you!” This didn’t work. And yet, I attempted it again and again, semester after semester. Is this how mothers feel? I cannot explain my level of frustration.
Finally, I decided to hit ’em where it hurts: The points. Last semester I finally put in my syllabus that five points will be deducted if your paper is not stapled. I may have mentioned that I had one male student this spring who handed me his paper which was held together with a safety pin. He said to me, “Is this okay, because it’s so hard to find a stapler?!”
Ahh – missed the deadline – july flew by at busy busy speed. Who’a your winner then?
Lia – you decide – it’s a vote this time,
I’m a bit late for this, but just wanted to echo Teacher Lady’s ‘students are a trial’ comment. At the moment I’m taking a lot of phone calls like this –
student: hello, I got a third in my degree, what can I do about that?
me: errr… how do you mean?
student: I want to have a higher grade, what can I do?
me: well, ummm… the degrees have been conferred now –
student: I was quite near the grade boundary, so how can I get a better result?
me: well, you have to be within 0.5% to get vivaed.
student: yes, I had a viva but my mark didn’t go up.
me: well, then I’m afraid you satisfied the examiner that you were a third class student.
student: but I’m not. what can I do about it?
me: I don’t know – turn back time and actually do some studying? borrow someone else’s brain? JESUS.
Emm – By the sound of it they were lucky to get a third.
I’m sorry moobs, I know, we’ve all moved on. But I just have to follow emmm up. You’ve opened a pandora’s box.
When working at admissions office for reasonably good university on A level results day:
Dave the failure: I’d like to confirm my place on the computer sciences course.
me: Well I’m afraid Dave, your offer was for two Bs and a C, and it says here that you got an E, and N and a U (sic).
Dave: Yeah, but I got a C at English GCSE. They said that’s all I needed.
me: Dave, no one has ever been offered a place here based on English GCSE alone. You do understand that your offer was for BBC at A level?
Dave: Yeah…
me: And you understand that you quite considerably failed to achieve BBC?
Dave: Yeah….
me: So you understand then, that we cannot offer you a place this year?
Dave: No. They said I’d be alright with English GCSE.
me: No dave the failure, they said you would ALSO need English GCSE, because you failed this the first time too. This is as well as the A levels.
Dave: Ah shit.
Meanwhile I vote for Gamba, because I went to one of those schools too, and that’s how they think.