TCLOGO

Here are the rules of the game: You have to come up with a tenuous connection to a celebrity. The cheesier or weirder the celebrity the more points you get. The more tenuous (or weirder) the connection the better too (although there is a cut-off point – seeing them on television does not count, nor does merely living in the same country).

Last years winners were:

(1) The Prestigious UK Award:

Lucy Chintz for: “My cousin’s great grandmother was in the car crash with Sammy Davis Jr when he lost his left eye”
Urban Chick for: “My friend was a doctor of the brother of the last Emperor of China”

(2) The Equally Prestigious International Award:

The Cronz for: “My sister had larks with Billy Idol’s backstage crew

You cannot use a connection that you have entered before. For the bibulous amongst you the prize is plonk. For the others (or at your discretion) it will be something that has fallen off the back of a truck headed for Amazon.com.

Place your entries by leaving comments. The winners will be decided Zimbabewean Election stylee: there will be a vote but then I will steal the ballot boxes.

Good luck!

Average Rating: 4.7 out of 5 based on 295 user reviews.

Out of a Clear Sky

At school I was a member of a swotty group of adolescents who fancied themselves to be “writers in the making”. We filled our diaries with angst-drenched poetry and feeble short stories and hoped we were honing a genius that would only be recognised once we’d left school behind and made our way to university and to freedom.

We were encouraged by our English teachers, I now suspect, for their amusement. One afternoon, handing back another pile of arch mediocrity, Mr Gurney told us about a piece of creative writing that had been produced by one of his 15 year old students. It was, unpromisingly, about a man alone at sea on a raft. It was easy enough, Mr Gurney told us, to outrage a readership and scarcely harder to amuse them, but reading the boy’s story he had felt frightened. To have enough talent to grip a reader’s imagination in that way was a precious and formidable thing. I don’t know what my fellow junior pseuds felt, but I realised the game was up for me. I couldn’t see how it could be done.

“Out of a Clear Sky” scared me.

Birds and birdwatching provide the book’s thematic unity, doing a triple duty. First, and most prosaically, it provides the framework for the plot itself. The events play out in early morning mists, on remote coastlines, in campsites, bothies and hides all vividly evoked. The obsession that characterises the twitchers, compelling them to pursue the birds that fascinate them, slips, in this story, into obsessive love and a pursuit of different and darker kind. Observations of bird behaviour resonate in the actions of the human characters, working as a sort of psychological shorthand – a dazzling metaphorical trick that, handled with anything less than Sally Hinchliffe‘s deftness, might have clunked and annoyed. Finally, the birds are a source of simile. That again is brave. An accumulation of avian similes could easily have proved tiresome – too much salt in the dish – but it is done with such subtlety that instead it delights.

The book is supposedly a thriller, which is not a genre I have much experience of – more fool me. It is also Sally’s debut novel and for a first book it astonishingly assured: It is meticulously plotted and gathers pace like an 800 metre runner.

However, its real strengths lie elsewhere. The novel deals with three kinds of death. The first is the sudden and violent extinction of a human life. On the first page, the protagonist, Manda Brooks, is contemplating the dead body of David, the man who has stalked her. It is that death that determines the bookshop shelf upon which the novel will sit but it certainly does not define the book itself.

The first part of the book deals with the death of Manda’s relationship with the feckless Gareth. A discovered infidelity arrives like a diagnosis of a cancer; their attachment dying suddenly having ailed invisibly until past the point where any cure can be contemplated. She deals so well with the involuntary bitterness and the mess of anger, shame and loss that grief for a lost love leaves behind that I found myself resenting the insistence of the plot which I knew would draw my eye away.

The third death is that of her family. Like a death from old age, it is characterised by a steady decline, a loss of faculty and the gathering realisation that things no longer work as they should and that matters can only get worse. Again, this is handled with a steady eye and conviction that itself convinces.

Given that the book is about people given to patient and minute observation, it is hardly surprising that Sally writes so well about them. She is the author of an immensely popular blog. All the best bloggers are miniaturists. More than once a description of a place, an interaction or an event is painted with such care that it catches the breath. Descriptions of Manda’s childhood in Africa and her realisation that she will find no friends in boarding school stand out. However, a better example still is a short passage describing Manda and her sister Zannah trimming an artificial Christmas tree. Like a Holbein painting you cannot imagine it is not drawn from life. If it is the product of imagination alone then that is a still more formidably impressive a feat.

Average Rating: 4.5 out of 5 based on 188 user reviews.

This weekend has found me once again in the garage dealing with the consequences of a policy of hoarding anything which I considered might at some point have some potential use. Old Curtains? What if we were to move back someday into our old house or one with windows of exactly the same dimensions? Well, we’d rue the day we threw these away!

At the bottom of the borehole I have driven through sedimentary layers of junk I found a small box containing the very first things I felt precious enough to hold on to. First out of the box was my autograph book.

Collecting signatures was a craze that gripped me for perhaps a month or so. Frinton was not built atop a hellmouth of celebrity and I would have died of embarrassment if I’d had to speak to someone famous anyway; so I had to resort to polite letters and enclosing stamped self-addressed envelopes. Somehow the exquisite delight of receiving a letter (any letter – Lord, how I miss letters) was more attractive a proposition than standing in the lashing rain outside the theatre at the end of Clacton Pier shouting hopefully at Freddie Starr.

I started with Chelsea Football Club who sent me a 500th generation photocopy of the players’ signatures that even then seemed crushingly lacking in glamour. I was not even sure that they counted as autographs. The BBC were infinitely better. It was as if the knew I’d be waiting, tortured, for the postman to shovel stardust into our gloomy hallway. My hero, Tony Hart autographed a piece of gummed paper so that I could stick it straight into my little green autograph book: so thoughtful, so Tony.

The Mona Lisa in my collection was an autographed photograph of the comedy giants of that moment: The Goodies

Goodies autographed photo

I recently bought a collection of Goodies episodes on DVD. They were so cringingly awful that I switched it off as I simply was not mentally resilient enough to cope with the scale of the disappointment. At the time, however, I had no doubts. They were a chart-topping novelty band (with “Do the Funky Gibbon” and other abominations) and their stories of giant kittens and tomato soup nerve agents turning people into clowns held me rapt. The picture was so precious to me that I stuck the envelope it came in into the book and would only remove the item itself from inside in order to impress my very closest friends and then with a sacramental reverence that would have impressed the Pope himself. I felt as if television had extended a fizzing, scintillating hand and laid it on my shoulder; it was a distillate of pure glamour.

The fever broke and I moved on to he next craze – probably Top Trumps or Pocketeers, and I allowed the BBC to get back to its business. There was, however, a twilight period during which I lowered the hurdle of fame a little and added signatures from people I merely knew and loved. One of these was Father Clover, my priest. I set his contribution out below, firstly to demonstrate that there was a time when people took a pride in their handwriting and secondly because it is only today that I have recognised that his inscription (which I had thought merely a Christmas Cracker proverb of the sort that might amuse an old gentleman) contained a (barely) hidden message for me.

Father Clovers autograph

Average Rating: 4.6 out of 5 based on 253 user reviews.